Every time you think that the Super Bowl is the greatest sporting event, just remember that somewhere somebody is betting on what this dick will be wearing on his head at halftime. My pick? I’ll take fedora at -150, obviously. Sure it’s going to be cold, but don’t be tempted to take tuque at +800. that’s a sucker’s bet.
If you have thought about this for more than five seconds then you clearly hate yourself as much as I do.
Last Week: 2-0
About that… I’m pretty much a genius at picking clear favorites in a season where two teams were clearly better than everyone else. Now we turn our attention to prop bets in advance of next week’s Super Bowl.
What will be higher, the Broncos first half point total or the number of gold medals won by the US in Sochi?
Denver Broncos First Half Points (-150)
The US only won nine golds at the 2010 Winter Olympics? God damn, we are terrible at this shit. We lost to Canada. By a lot. And they only give out one gold medal for hockey. This time around the US doesn’t have quasi-homefield advantage. Instead they’re playing in Russia, which is like putting this year’s Super Bowl in Seattle. Only instead of crowd noise, the Russians pump in sarin gas.
Will Percy Harvin be knocked out of the game?
There is something very satisfying about betting on an oft-injured player to get knocked silly in front of hundreds of millions of people. Wait, not satisfying. Horribly macabre. But if you HAVE to pick injured or not injured, this is probably the way to go. I mean come on, it’s 2-1 odds.
Will Peyton Manning throw a pick six?
It is the Super Bowl, right? But who is it going to be? I’m going go with Bobby Wagner on one of those “He never even saw him” kind of throws.
Will Wes Welker drop a pass?
BUT WILL HIS BRAIN SLOSH AROUND IN HIS HEAD? Also yes, probably. As for the drops, Welker was second in the league in that category despite finishing 33rd in targets. This might have something to do with all of the concussive hits.
Will Michael Crabtree mention Richard Sherman in a tweet during the game?
I only point out this prop bet because it’s by far the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I mean, every prop bet is stupid. The coin toss, the length of the anthem, all of it is fucking dumb. But this? THIS? This is a low point. Besides, everybody knows he’s going to Instagram a Photoshopped picture of Richard Sherman wearing an I <3 cock t-shirt. How many times will Peyton Manning say “Omaha” during the game?
OVER 27.5 (-120)
Jay Busbee at Yahoo counted over 40 instances of Peyton Manning’s new favorite pre-snap call last Sunday. There’s no reason to think he’ll change it up at this point. In fact, the head of Omaha’s Chamber of Commerce recently announced that local Omaha based businesses are donating $800 every time Peyton says the name of their otherwise forgettable city. So there’s something in it for Omaha, Peyton, and whoever Peyton’s foundation is supposed to benefit. You might as well get in on the free money buffet.
Will Knowshon Moreno cry during the National Anthem?
No, he probably won’t, but it will give you something to root for during the anthem without having to use a stopwatch.
Will the announcers use the word “marijuana” during the game?
LOLOLOLOLOL. Take all of your weed money and bet it on no. Then go and sell whatever weed you have stashed in your house and bet that on no. Then tell your parents that you need $10,000 for rehab and bet that on no. Then go buy yourself some weed with your winnings.
Literal Dog(s) of the Week
Please please please be an adoption center and not a pet store (via Reddit).
Rejected Baby Name of the Week
This week’s rejected name for Baby Kogod: Henry
I like Henry. My wife likes Henry. The problem is, I like Hank, and my wife won’t let me name the baby Henry if there’s any chance at all I will call him Hank. What the fuck, wife? Hank is a great name. It’s strong. Guys named Hank set legitimate home run records and go out like badasses in Breaking Bad. But no, apparently it’s an “old man’s name.”
Pro Tip of the Week
Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.
Don’t actually bet on any props. Except for the Bruno Mars fedora one. That’s a lock. Just look at a GIS for “Bruno Mars.” 11 of the first 19 images show him in a fedora, while he’s hatless in just eight.
Top photo via Vulture.