Last Week: 1-2
Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: LOSS
About that… I give up on the Raiders. I hate them. I’m wrong every time I pick them, so I’m done. They can go to hell and/or Oakland.
Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 1-5
Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week
Denver Broncos -7 at San Diego Chargers and OVER 58
Two top five passing offenses and two bottom five passing defenses. PEW PEW PEW.
Home Favorite of the Week
New Orleans Saints -7 vs. Dallas Cowboys
Rob Ryan revenge game! He’s twice as mad because his brother kicked his (or his boss’) ass last week. Jason Garrett says there are no hard feelings since he fired Ryan, which is a position he will maintain right up until Ryan dry humps him to prove his dominance.
Sidenote: How many creepy Saints fans get turned on when Drew Brees’s wife throws her sweaty yoga pants in his face in that commercial?
Road Favorite of the Week
Seattle Seahawks -5.5 at Atlanta Falcons
Why are the Falcons so bad this year? Is it Roddy White’s injury? Or maybe their inept rushing offense? Could it be that Matt Ryan lacks eliteness? Yes, yes and yes. In the end, the real culprit is Tom Dimitroff. Look at him. What an asshole.
Road Dog of the Week
Carolina Panthers +6 at San Francisco 49ers
The 49ers are coming off of a bye, but the Panthers are playing the best they’ve played since…I don’t know, when were they good? Kerry Collins era? They have put up over 30 points five of their last six games, earning them five wins in that stretch. Their wins have come against the Giants, the Vikings, the Rams, the Bucs and the Falcons. Oh god, San Francisco is going to slaughter them.
Literal Dog of the Week
I desperately want a super smart service dog. Disabled people get the coolest pets. I’m pretty sure they are teaching him to read. What a time saver.
Fantasy Matchup of the Week
This week’s submission comes from perpetually optimistic Jags fan BurritoBrosShits.
Pro Tip of the Week
Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.
Let’s go to Twitter for the best advice I’ve seen all week…
Always take a look at the floor near the bar. Drunk people always drop their money
— Life Pro Tips (@BestProAdvice) November 8, 2013
Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.