Yes Jacks on vacation so instead you’ve got me, PFT Commenter, a world renown online NFL commenter making all your gambling picks for you. Why go spending all your money on CHRISTmas presents for your kids when you can double it easy just by listning to my picks and perjections? Lets get you up to speed on my success in gambling so far this year as well as how to earn yourselfs some surefire cash. Heres how my gambles have done in 2013-
Last Week: I ran out of money and coudn’t gamble
About that… Its the holidays (Christmas. Dont wish me happy holidays I dont go into your SINagouge and cut wet farts til they kick me out anymore so dont smear my holiday by calling it a holiday) and I spendt my last money buying lottery tickets which I misplaced before the megamillions drawings but I didnt win anyways so its kind of like I won in a way if you think about it.
Overall: Including my Thanksgiving charity weekend where I picked every game Im 3-18-1 on the year- not too shabby.
On word to the bets!
Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week New Orleans Saints+3 over Carolina Panther’s AND OVER 47 points.
Kindve ironic how a team is traveling AWAY from New Orleans to expose OTHER people,, but as the Panthers cheerleaders have shown us these Cats are about to get licked folks. Drew Brees is hungry and all the hardhats and lunchpails in Charlotte wont be enough to keep Luke Kuechly and the Panther’s Defense in control of this game.
Home Favorite of the Week Kansas City Chiefs -7 vs. Indynapolis Colts.
I dont trust Pagano as far as I can throw him at his current weight no offense. He’s got this team doing the opposite of peaking, bottoming I guess. The Colts are bottoming at the worst time to do it: ANY TIME IN THE NFL. You cant go through slumps in todays NFL I dont care how many first rounders you gave up to get a RB from Alabama who spends more time picking boogers then picking up blitzes. Andy Reids got his offensive line blocking like his aortic valve and there will be more then one plaque in his honor if free radical Jamaal Charles keeps running everywhere he damn pleases. This is a gimme I like the Chiefs by 20.
Home Dog of the Week Washginton Redskins +3 vs. Dallas Cowboys.
Cornball Brothers are out in DC and Cornball Cousins are the new black. Captain Kirk was firing on all cylindars last week against the Falcons and now this Cousin is going to notify Jason Garrets next of kin as he knocks the Cowboys out of the playoffs.
Road Favorite of the Week Denver Broncos -10.5 at Houston Texases.
The Texases might as well be playing with a QB they found dead in a field somewhere since there marching Matt Schaub out behind center. People forget Matt Schaub literaly got arrested for assaulting a guy in Charlottesville, VA a couple years ago establishing a pattern of getting intercepted at the Corner that continues to this day.
Road Dog of the Week Cleveland Browns+2 at New York Jets.
Like most good NFL pundits I have no clue whose playing QB for the Browns on a week-in week-out basis but I do know theyll throw for 1 TD, 3 INTs and 172 yds while outdueling Geno Smh.
Literal Dog of the Week
This tired fella, Orlando, started of as a early frontrunner for Dog of the week but Im going to call him the Broncos on account of he jumped out to a early lead but got outworked later on. This is the dog whom jumped down onto the Subway with his blind owner and saved his life as a train went over him. Usually when a dogs getting a train ran on it the only good thing that comes after is a album called Jagged Little Pill but this guys heartwarming story went nationwide in a matter of hours. That was all well and good but then the story took a famliar turn. It turns out the dog was too old to be working anymore as a seeing eye dog and was simply milking the taxpayers for its pension or whatever you pay a dog. So the dogs blind owner told the news that he had to get a new dog and that Orlando would be youth inised or something. Instead of putting his head down and getting his ears pinned back and doing the honorable thing and getting put to sleep like he’d been there before, the dog started a GIMME GIMME online donation campaign and literally begged everyone for handouts. Eventually enough enablers donated money and the dog gets like a new iPhone and gets his nails done all the time now on our dime probably. So instead Im giving it to Uncle Si’s dog from Duck Dynasty who had a even “ruffer” week when his people-brother Pat got fired because some big shot Hollywood reporter didnt agree that vaginas were better than butts.
Pro Tip of the Week This is the part of the column where Jack shows off and is basicaly peacoacking with his knowledge of weird dishes that start with like 3 consonants in a row or where he makes fun of you for not cooking ribs inside bags of water or something. Well I dont know any of that but I do know about a little thing called the f1rst amenment and I’d love to educate you. You might of heard about it its in all of our constitutions. Well recently the Duck Dynasty crew ran a fowl of the PC Police and you may of noticed that I’m being uncharacteristically quiet about it. No more.
Everyone is being illogical about Pat Robertsons comments except for me:
Pat Robertson is technicaly the least homophobic person there is because anyone reading that “article” would be able to tell you that by saying how much more everyone should love vaginas then butts he’s actually taking a very aggressive Pro-Lesbian stance. But these PC police apparently dont care about Lesbian rights they just care about Gay rights because I think secretly there all jealous of Lesbians getting to do all that cool stuff they do with each other lets be honest it just looks like alot of fun.
This is really much a do about nothing because technically what he said wasnt even homophobic according to this new update flowchart I made this morning.