We avoid going into in-depth analysis of the NFL here. And that’s as it should be. The only people truly qualified to comment on the NFL are former NFL players. They’re the only ones who can give you complex opinions like, “Philip Rivers is the man now in San Diego,” or, “In the NFL, you have to make that catch.” You see how densely layered those statements are? Only a former NFL player could conceive of something like that. And only a former NFL player would have the guts to make such bold proclamations. Those are hardcore football opinions! Stay the fuck away if you can’t handle them! Only Mankind shares this kind of testicular fortitude!
In fact, NFL players are the only people qualified to even watch the NFL. Did you play in the NFL? Okay, well then you can’t possibly begin to understand what this game is all about. You little shit. You have no business watching it. Turn it off. This league belongs to the players, not to some two-bit civilian from the Male 18-49 demographic who has a great deal of disposable income to spend on malt beverages, automobiles, and financial planning services! You don’t get the NFL, you commoner! In fact, you’re not even allowed to think about it! So there! Run home and suck on your mommy’s teat!
That’s why we’ve asked a handful of your favorite NFL players turned studio analysts to come in and enlighten peasants like you about all matters pertaining to the National Football League. Today, we welcome in former Bronco, former Redskin, “NFL Live” co-host, and occasional “Mike & Mike” third wheel Mark Schlereth to take your questions.
Schlereth: Doy-uh, hello everybody! Doy-uh, my name is Mark Schlereth! Doy-uh, in my playing days they called me Stinky because I would play and then pee in my pants and it would stink and that is why they called me Stinky and that is so funny!
Frank, New York: Mark, do you think Eli Manning will duplicate the success he had in the first half of last season, or will he continue to regress?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Eli Manning has to step it up this year!
Bill, Seattle: Mark, how will the loss of Steve Hutchinson and a fat new contract affect Shaun Alexander this year? Will he get complacent?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, all I know is that Shaun is the M-V-P! nobody can take that away from him unless they were to break into his house and steal it and then I guess they would be taking it away from him!
Jenny, Green Bay: Mark, if Brett Favre struggles again this year, do you think the Packers will finally replace him with Aaron Rodgers?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Brett Favre is a legend! I know that many people say that Brett Favre is not a legend but if you look up “legend” in the big book of words it says a legend is “an inscription or a title on an object, such as a coin” and that to me is what Brett Favre is all about!
Mike, Pittsburgh: Mark, is Hines Ward a Top-10 fantasy receiver this year? I worry about age hindering his production.
Schlereth: Doy-uh, you better look out around Hines Ward because he will hit you in the mouth! although technically he cannot hit people in the mouth because they are wearing facemasks and so getting to the mouth can be tricky! but in the NFL we say guys will hit you in the mouth and even though it is not true and even if you could hit a guy in the mouth you would probably be penalized and bragging about hitting a guy in the mouth is even strangely gay! but he will hit you in that mouth and that’s a “Coors Light Cold Hard Fact!” do you drink that stuff because I do sometimes and it makes me feel kind of silly and sometimes I end up strangling my dog!
Jason, KC: Mark, is there enough left in Trent Green’s tank to take the pressure off of LJ in the backfield?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, I know Trent Green personally and not only is he a good QB but he is also a great husband and father and one time we went to the golf course with his friend Benji Compson and we hit little!
Ernie, Pittsburgh: Mark, with the Bus retired, will Fast Willie Parker and Duce Staley be good enough to keep the Steelers running game strong?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, you can say what you would like about Willie Parker but I will tell you one thing he is FAST! and in this league speed kills but not like real killing where a dagger stabs your brain open but I mean killing on the football field which means speed helps you beat the other team and makes them sad!
Jimmy, Oakland: Mark, the Raiders made an awful lot of changes in the offseason, and not many of them good. Does this team have any bright spots?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Warren Sapp plays for the Raiders and I have heard of him! I have heard of him! he plays defense and when you play defense you must stop the run well you do not have to stop the run but it is better if you do because them teams cannot run and then they have to pass more but if they are good at passing then I can see them being very happy!
Mike, Washington: Mark, don’t you find it odd that only NFL players and coaches are allowed to be TV analysts when the league’s best coach didn’t even play in the NFL himself? Shouldn’t your credentials as a broadcaster be paramount above all else? Isn’t it sort a joke that guys like you purport to be real NFL experts when you can’t even really criticize players for fear that they’ll get mad at you and that, in some twisted way, you’ll be bruising your own ego?
Schlereth: Uh… uh… Doy-uh, did anyone see a little rabbit run by here? Doy-uh, which way did he go? Which way did he go?
Bugs, Albakoykee: He went thattaway.
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Gee! Thanks mister! Thanks a lot! Thanks a lot!
Bill, Memphis: Mark, is Eddie George a Hall of Famer?
Schlereth: Oh, I love him! I will hug him and squeeze him and call him George!
Tom, Minneapolis: Mark, will new Vikings coach Brad Childress employ a pass-first offense like his old boss, or do you think he’s more willing to go to a ground-oriented attack?
Schlereth: Dah… I’m gonna have possum for dinner! I’m gonna have possum for dinner!