Worth noting that man behind the actual series, George R.R. Martin, says the Patriots are the Lannisters, so keep an eye out for treachery and brother-sister sex on their sideline today.
I assume beanspruchen is German for TATTOONICK
I believe it’s from Old High German and translates roughly to “disrespecting the game with sideways cap glory boy, no offenschen”
Since these probably won’t ever see the light of day otherwise…from “The Gridiron Throne”
Roger Goodell as Stannis Goodatheon
Peter King as Patchfavre, the Fool.
He is a jester that is unaware he is a jester. He thinks he belongs in court.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
STANNIS GOODATHEON, DEFENDER OF THE SHIELD stands brooding before a table shaped as a map of the realm. The table is covered with chess pieces, most of which have been carved into the shape of animal heads. Lurking nearby is PATCHFAVRE, THE FOOL, who wanders aimlessly in a circle, occasionally sprinkling nutmeg into an empty flagon.
GUARD [offscreen]: My lord, Davos Collinsworth has arrived.
GOODATHEON: Send him in. I expected you last night, C-Worth.
C-WORTH: Listen, I know you think it makes you sound like one of the smallfolk when you call me that but…
[GOODATHEON looks at him blankly]
C-WORTH: …never mind. I apologize for the lateness of my arrival, my lord. My mother, her greyscale, it…
GOODATHEON: Your duty is to the shield, have you not forgotten?
C-WORTH: Of course not, it’s just…I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this whole “duty to the shield” thing. I don’t mind describing trepanning accidents during the tournaments as “needing to send your helmet back to the smith”, but this thing about the fingers…[rubs fingers on right hand nervously]
GOODATHEON: Those fingers have disgraced the shield.
C-WORTH: That was twenty years ago and she was eighteen!
GOODATHEON: Yes, I’ve heard that same speech about how you keep getting older and the wenches stay the same age from Renly a dozen times. In fact, if that useless fop were to ascend to the throne he’d probably add those words to our family crest. If I possessed the power to punish Renly for his…indiscretions…he’d be fingerless, tongueless, and eyeless within a week. But Renly is of royal blood and under the protection of my boorish oaf of a whoremongering brother, while you are a commoner whose duty is to the shield. We shall take your fingers when Mellisandre returns, apparently she has a use for them.
[C-WORTH snickers, GOODATHEON ignores him.]
GOODATHEON: Your spies were to have tracked the movements of my brother’s bastard. What news have you?
C-WORTH: [glances at PATCHFAVRE] My lord? Loose lips…
GOODATHEON: The fool? His lips serve no purpose than to slurp brew from the Summer Islands and spout nonsense. Let him hear and tell who he will, none will understand him.
PATCHFAVRE: The land baron has ginger hair, he is like a kid out there, I know, oh, oh, oh.
GOODATHEON: [furious] You were forbidden to speak of that man in my presence! [hurls a chess piece at PATCHFARVE, striking him about his ample midsection]
C-WORTH: By the seven, who is this land baron that enrages you so?
GOODATHEON: I have no earthly idea. A retired knight who lives in Wichita, as best I can tell from this fool’s rantings.
C-WORTH: Then why is Patchfavre forbidden to speak of him?
GOODATHEON: Because every time he does he gets an erection. It’s disgusting. What news from your spies?
C-WORTH: My lord, Ser Kluwe is no longer a threat to the shield. He fell in with the Bloody Mummers for some time, but even they have cast him out. He no longer speaks treason against the realm, now all his talk is of orcs and ogres and dragons and epic battles that he fights within his own mind. My counsel is that there is little point in striking him down now, his words carry as much weight as this simpleton’s proclamations [gestures to PATCHFAVRE].
GOODATHEON: He shall face the king’s justice when the time comes. In the meantime, the conscripts have been complaining about having to fight battles on the Smith’s day. This talk has begun to spread to the commoners. I want you to…
[RAVEN FLIES IN]
C-WORTH: A message, my lord. Four messages, actually.
[QUAD PARCHMENT FLIES OPEN]
…TO BE CONTINUED…
I must have missed the Deadspin tweet giving us permission to make fun of Chris Kluwe. Anyway, good stuff.
That’s so good.
I eagerly await the reign of the landbaron
“Because every time he does he gets an erection”
gold jerry! IT’S GOLD!!!
SPOILER: Drogon is going to drop onto Mile High and roast whoever’s offensive line is on the field
Unintentional satire, very nice!
thats the leader of the good guys on the throne you guys
SNS nailed it.
To sit on that throne is death – so yeah for Dreamboat!
As Aerys the Mad: A sword in the back from a trusted guard? I’m good with that.
As Robert I: Gored by a boar: I’m good with that too.
As Ned Stark: beheaded, betrayed, with his progeny spread with the wind? Yup, very down with that as well.
But really, as Joffrey? With no spoilers allowed for the viewers only, well…. bitch slapped to death by the imp works for me!
I always envisioned Brady as Jaime, but with all the whining and bitching he does, I could totally see him as Joffrey.
Again, trying to avoid spoilers for viewers – for those that love us some patriots schadenfreude, Joffrey really does work best, particularly at the end.
Jaime starts off as an ass, and… well, he’s a favorite of mine now. Not quite on the level of Tyrion, mind, but still…not going there with dreamy.
Am I the only one who recognizes the source material from Assassin’s Creed III? Brady’s replacing George Washington if Washington had become a tyrant instead and used ancient technology to control the nation. Of course, this all still works in context, so carry on. /That Guy
Does this mean that Brady beats up hookers? Cause if so, the league has really managed to keep that quiet.
So does that make Welker the imp?
I would think Jewkah would be the imp, cause of the whole shitting gold thing.
Where is Daenarys Thomas?
My fantasy team last year was named Demaryius Targaryen.
Peyton makes a great Robb Stark. He’s spectacular in the early battles, but manages to fuck up late in the war.
This Peyton manning I call him
Renly Baratheon would have made a great Charmslinger.
Come to think of it, Renly is more of a Tom Brady. Well-dressed, good-looking, with legions of fans who turn out to be complete bandwagoners.
Peyton Manning is Stannis Baratheon, because a lot of people think he has the best claim, but no one really likes him and he’s basically a robot.
Russell Wilson is Robb Stark. Young, but precocious.
Colin Kaepernick is Joffrey Baratheon. A spoiled me-first glory boy who doesn’t know his real parents.
And Marmalard is Balon Greyjoy. Fuck that guy.
Come on, closeted gay man who tries to follow a legendary king? It’s Aaron Rodgers bro.
I see the Charmslinger more as the Knight of Flowers: everyone loves him, a bit short, he’s talented, and not above using trickery to win (noise for the Charmslinger).
Does this mean the Super Bowl won’t be played until a year or so after the stated date?
(Seriously, I want to read “The Winds of Winter” already!)
All right, all right, you win. I see you’ve played knifey-spooney before.
We can look forward to “ass hole”.
I understood most of the German, but what is a “Tom Brady?”
It’s a euphemism we have which means “Whining Bitch”.
Rex Grossman would have to be winter, because it seems like it’s coming in every episode.
Is that sexual
Logically the CFL are the White Walkers. The Detroit Lions would be the Night’s Watch, and appropriately so they’d be horrible at their job.