They wrote books you probably didn’t buy. They like teams you probably don’t like. They’re gormless lazy fapwits who spend many days without pants formulating idiotic one-note caricatures of football players and coaches, all who yell and cuss a lot. It sometimes reaches a kind of crude brilliance, but mostly it doesn’t. But now their teams face one another in regular season battle reeking of quasi-LeBronish import. IT’S A FIVE-THROWGASM GAME! [Quick aside: I will be at this game because, unlike Drew, I don’t rely on Gawker (which has its head so far up the ass of some midlevel ESPN employee that no cares about – much better than getting a flight booked correctly) for getting around]. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
Big Fatty Drew_____________________________Michael “Christmas Rape” Poonison
Which team do they constantly fluff without regard to anyone’s actual interest?
Minnesota Favreholes____________________________Pittsburgh Omigod They Only Win Because of the Refs
Player he’s totally gay for who just so happens to be leading the NFL in rushing or receiving yards
Purple Jesus___________________________Numbell one smaltest smirretime leceivel and steleotype
Retarded Vikes “When I Come Around” Spoof That Makes Drew Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Why do you long for their team to lose?
Because if they win the media slathers Favre ejaculate on your face and hair_________THE RESULTING YINZER CELEBRATION! WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM BOM BOM BOM BOM
Quick shorthand mocking points
Fat, craps on towels, fat, eats breadwiches, wears salmon polos, roots for Favre, fat_________Lives alone with cat, has Fathead on wall, owns alternate gray jersey, possibly too handsome
Character flaws you may not know about
Wanton attention whore, hangs on Simmons’ every written word___________Picks protracted fights with only the most retarded commenters
Whose was the second huge black cock he ever saw?
Visante Shiancoe_________________________________Santonio Holmes
Let’s see someone bash their stupid book
Passing off Simpsons quotes as original humor_____________________Reciting the next line in the episode