As you no doubt noticed, last week Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick showed up for the season opener not in his trademark frumpy grey sweatshirt, but in a polo shirt. This appeared to be a game time decision, as Coach Belichick or, as most refer to him, THE SMARTEST HUMAN BEING THAT HAS EVER LIVED, hadn’t given any indication during practices that he was ever considering such a move. Belichick has refused to address the issue, citing a need to avoid distractions while preparing for the Jets. However, Belichick’s sweatshirt did speak to reporters today in front of the hamper in the Pat’s locker room where he has been staying.
Hoodie: First, let me say that I was as shocked as you to find out I wouldn’t be on the field last Sunday. Bill told me on Saturday night that he was thinking of going in a different direction this season, and wasn’t sure where or if I fit in. I don’t know why Bill feels this way â€“ he said something about “not needing as much coverage” but frankly he said that last year about his secondary and I figured he learned his lesson then.
Reporter: Any truth to the rumors this was because you demanded money?
Hoodie: No way. First of all, I am a sweatshirt. Besides, only an idiot tries to hold out for more money or, in my case, money, around here. A few years ago one of Bill’s own children needed money for school supplies. When the kid told Bill he needed more than what Bill gave him, Bill sent him away and he was never heard from again. No way would I go out on a limb, or should I say a “branch,” like that.
Reporter: You look like something a homeless person would wear. Is it true you met when Bill picked you out at a Derelicte show?
Hoodie: No actually Bill found me in a bin of stuff Bob Kraft was sending to the Salvation Army and just put me on. Over the years he paid for me to have some work done â€“ for example he replaced the old logo of that bent-over pirate with the new red, white and blue flying helmet thing I have now. People were kind of skeptical at the time â€“ here we are such close friends and he openly tells me I need to have work done. But I figured hey, at least he didn’t buy me a treadmill. That would’ve been insulting.
Reporter: Yeah, hi. I’m a reporter for the Time Inc. publishing empire and I was wondering â€“
Hoodie: Next question. Who let you in here anyway?
Reporter: What was it like working with Bill?
Hoodie: It was fun. Yeah â€“ he has his quirks. For example, he drools a lot while watching game film. Sometimes we’d come out of the film room after twelve hours of just watching tape and it was like I had been at a Gallagher show.
Reporter: But not as funny, right?
Hoodie: Depends on what team we were watching. (Everybody laughs. Reporter from Detroit stares at the floor.) But he was always good to me â€“ one year I was having a thing with a cute little hand towel from Jersey and he let me fly her out for the Super Bowl. Yeah he was all right. He’s always getting calls from people since Paul McGuire and Joe Theisman say he is so smart – people listen to what McGuire and Theisman have to say, you know, and people are always asking him to cure cancer and stuff. And he could – he’s THAT SMART! I mean, come on! Seducing married women and destroying marriages takes BRAINS. And limousines. But Bill always says he doesn’t want to cure a disease because then Tom Jackson wouldn’t be able to contract whatever he cures.
Reporter: So what’s next for you?
Hoodie: Well, if Bill decides there’s no room for me here I’m sure a lot of other teams and coaches would love to have me. God knows a lot of those guys have man boobs that just don’t belong in anything other than a heavy concealing garment like me. Did you see Parcells last week? He wasn’t even holding his play sheet â€“ he was just balancing it on that huge rack of his. I’ll land somewhere.