Bengals Pwn Chiefs QB, Avoid Fine, But Still P155 Off Cranky Sportswriter

09.15.06 11 years ago 17 Comments

So the communist entertainment regime that we know and love as the NFL has decided that Robert Geathers’ hit on Trent Green does not warrant a fine. If you’re one of the six people that didn’t see the hit, we’ve got you covered:

This is why the Bengals are a championship-caliber team. Instead of bitching about events that they can’t control (unlike a certain NFC West team), they take matters into their own hands. Did they cry about how unfair that hit on Carson Palmer was? Hell no. They went out (in their VERY NEXT GAME) and beat up somebody else’s QB. That’s paying it forward, bitch. Haley Joel Osment smiled brighter on Sunday, I’m sure.

My thoughts on the hit itself: Trent Green is an idiot. No, I’m not saying he deserved to get laid out and carried off on a stretcher. But let’s look at a few things here:

First, Trent Green turns 37 in July, which means he should have either retired by now, or gone to play first base for the Mets. Even George Blanda must be thinking, “Fuck, he’s kinda old to be out here.” And let’s keep in mind that this is the same asshole that lost his starting job in 1999 to a grocery bagger.

And then there’s the slide. Whether it was late or not is rather moot when you consider that HE’S RIGHT BY THE FUCKING SIDELINE! Run it out of bounds, shithead! If you get hit out of bounds, it’s a penalty without question. The slide was designed to protect the QB on the 7-yard keeper up the middle on 3rd-and-5, not for bailing your ass out when suddenly realizing you’re a white 36-year-old and your shit is about to get ruined. This wouldn’t even be a discussion point if there weren’t so many “special” rules to protect the quarterback. And by special, I mean “90 percent bullshit.”

And the thing of it is; it doesn’t look remotely brutal until you see Green’s head bounce of the turf. That whiplash is the only redeeming thing about this hit. Additonally, the League determined that Geathers actually TWISTED HIS BODY TO AVOID HELMET-TO-HELMET CONTACT. And for whatever it’s worth these days, there was no flag on the play.

None of those things seem to matter to the Sultan of Sultry, SI Columnist and Grumpy Old Man Paul Zimmerman. Dr. Z knows what he saw, dammit!

The kill shot that Cincy’s Robert Geathers laid on K.C.’s Trent Green should have drawn not only a flag, but also an ejection. [His] intent was clear. Take the QB out at head level. Geathers could have veered off, but he chose not to, and Green was out cold for almost 15 minutes.

Z compares the event to the AWESOME Warren Sapp hit on some dumbass in 2002. Turn that music down!

This was the same situation as the Warren Sapp case of a few years ago. He went halfway across the field to launch a blindside shot on the Packers’ Chad Clifton, following an interception…Sapp’s shot put him in the hospital and nearly ended his career. Again, it was ruled legal. It didn’t even draw a flag, although it was an ugly, mean act. “Crippling the dummy” was what we used to call it.

Crippling the dummy. Is that like “Swallowing the Swan?”

First of all, the Sapp hit was fucking BEAUTIFUL (if you know where I can find a clip of that hit, let us know), maybe the best hit of the last 10 years. And it was 100% clean. The hit was in the middle of the field, before the whistle, and delivered to the front of the front of the body. It was not a blindside shot.

“…although it was an ugly, mean act.”

Warren, you were mean! Robert Geathers–mean! You’re all a bunch of meanies! Wouldn’t it be great, guys, if every NFL game was just like the Pro Bowl, where lightly petting the QB counts as a tackle? What bullshit. Go change your tampon, Paul.

These guys, they’re not accountants. They’re not in customer service. They are responsible for thriving in an enviroment so hostile that even the very best cannot survive for more than a handful of years. And they realize, more than you do, Paul, that if they attempt anything short of putting someone in the hospital, at any time, that they could wind up in the hospital themselves.

These hits were not ugly, or mean. They are examples of what happens during even the smallest lapse of intensity. And intensity is what we come to see every Sunday. Does that make us thirsty for violence? No, but we realize that it has a place in the game, unlike some of the very people that are paid to cover the sport.

Trent Green made a bad decision. He paid for it, because Geathers was doing his job. Much worse than a case of slick balls. But take solace, Trent. The crotchety Dr. Z is in your corner, defending your ignorance to the hilt. Buy him a nice case of wine and he’ll even get you into Canton. Get your feet off the coffee table!

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