With the bowling alley stabbing of Roderick Green last week, the NFL further cemented its place as the preeminent sports league for getting knifed. A quick run-down of the competition:
NBA: Okay, so Paul Pierce got stabbed repeatedly outside a nightclub, but that was in 2000. Since then the NBA has shown a strong preference for guns, whether it’s merely carrying them into the airport or getting shot while driving on the highway.
MLB: The only stabbing in baseball happens with syringes full of gorilla DNA. Otherwise, they prefer fisticuffs.
NHL: With all those skates and tempers flying around, you’d think this would happen more often. Nope.
MLS: And why are there no soccer stabbings in America? Because Landon Donovan is a pussy. Hell, women’s tennis has more street cred. (And while we’re talking about women’s tennis, I might as well mention that I would happily stab Maria Sharapova repeatedly with my pork-sword. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.)
The NFL is truly our only stab-tastic pro sports league. Here are the top seven NFL-related stabbings over the last seven years:
#7 — Ray Lewis and friends, January 31, 2000. Hey, what better way to party after the Super Bowl than to murder two people? Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot: Ray was totally innocent. He just copped a plea bargain to rat on his two buddies, then paid for their high-priced defense team, who got them acquitted. I heard that after the trial he swore to find the “real killer.”
#6 — J-E-T-S fans, November 29, 2005. During a loss to the Saints (hey, this is already funny), a man named Thomas Conwell stabbed another fan in the face, neck, and ears. To be fair, the fan was wearing a Pennington jersey.
#5 — Mike Holmgren, January 3, 2005. In the final game of the season, Holmgren called for a Matt Hasselbeck sneak at the goal line, causing Shaun Alexander to lose the league rushing title to Curtis Martin. “This is the first time I’ve ever been back-stabbed in my life,” said Alexander after the game. He was rushed to the hospital, where doctors found no obvious wounds, just an untreated yeast infection. Seriously, what a little bitch thing to say.*
#4 — Jason Taylor, April 30, 2006. Let’s get the record straight: The town of Davie, Florida is not exactly known for its urbane, high-minded culture. So when a 5-11, 168-pound white man named Redmond Burns attacks a 6-6, 255-pound All-Pro defensive end with racial slurs and a stab to the forearm in a road rage incident, perhaps all we can do is say, “Eh, that’s Florida. Wokka wokka wokka.”
#3 — William Green, November 2003. Green, a running back for the Browns, was stabbed by his fiancee in their home near BEREA, OHIO. Then she called 911 and told the emergency operators that Green had cut himself. The story failed to hold up, probably due to the degree of difficulty it requires to stab one’s self behind the shoulder blade.
#2 — Roderick Green, July 9, 2006. Fans rejoice at the opportunity to make Big Lebowski jokes. OVER THE LINE!
And #1… Nick Harper, January 14, 2006. A domestic dispute in the Harper household ended when Daniell Harper, his wife, plunged a filet knife into his knee. (I think I’ve dated some crazy broads, but I’ve never even had one wave a knife at me. What are NFL players doing right that I’m doing wrong?) The next day, with three stitches in his knee, Harper scooped up Jerome Bettis’s goal-line fumble in the final minutes of Indianapolis’s most recent playoff flameout. As he raced for the end zone, he changed direction, and a stumbling Ben Roethlisberger tripped him up just enough to prevent what would have been the winning touchdown.
Did the knee effect Harper’s running on that play? Is it possible that an angry wife with a knife cleared the way for an unlikely Super Bowl champion? In Kissing Suzy Kolber’s world, the only possible answer is yes.
*Shaun Alexander apologized and I love him very much in a hetero sort of way.
NOTE from Big Daddy Drew: I protest the exclusion of Dimitrius Fucking Underwood from this list. Way to do a background check on your draft picks, Denny Green. You fly-fishing fat fuck.