Name: Darqueze Dennard
DAHKIES?: No, Tommy, it’s Dar-qwezz.
YEAH, BUT STILL: Shut up, Tommy.
Nicknames: “Country” and “No Fly Zone”
Weight: 199 lbs
Why he’s not a nice even 6’0″ and 200 lbs: Trying so hard to be alt.
College: Michigan State
Hometown: Dry Branch, GA
Which has no stoplights because: That shit’s country.
High school: Twiggs County (GA)
Famous alumni: How am I supposed to know that if they don’t even have a Wikipedia page? Help me help you, Twiggs.
Parent: Lisa Curry
Grandparents: “Claude Curry, had worked at the chalk mine while his grandmother, Peggy, put in years at the local zipper factory.”
Where did you see that Dickensian shit? MLive
Girlfriend: No results on Twitter.
Scout’s take: We’re not lookin’ for a Michael Sam type, fella.
What that means: He’s a a star athlete in a big-money sport at a state school.
40 yard dash: 4.42
What his Twitter bio tells us: He’s blessed.
What his tweets tell us: When wheels are up, you’re going to know about it.
Appropriate song that accompanies his YouTube highlight video: Till I Collapse, because it’s usually white people making these highlight packages.
Potential Berman nickname: Nothing that won’t get him in trouble, somehow.
Weird line from his NFL.com draft bio: “Knotty calves and thin ankles”
Less weird when you realize that his NFL.com draft bio was written by Nolan Nawrocki and edited by: This bro.
Nicest comparison: Deion Sanders
Meanest comparison: Darrelle Revis
That seems positive: Eh, those were the only two I’ve seen.
Strengths: Strong, skilled and faster than expected.
Weaknesses: Did you not see the thing about his knotty calves and skinny ankles? Wait, is that a bad thing or a good thing? Is one good and one bad? I don’t know what the lower legs of 22 year old cornerbacks are supposed to look like.
Loved by: #BEASTLANSING
Hated by: Your jerkass friend who went to Michigan
Where he’ll go: Mike Tomlin attended his pro day, so let’s go with the Steelers.
What scouts are saying: “Hey, is that Mike Tomlin?”
What Nolan Nawrocki is saying: He called a black corner “deceptively fast,” so he’s not racist, guys.
Impact: Better than cousin Alfonzo.
Top image via Detroit Free Press