Welcome to the first installment of KSK’s newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We’ll lead up to April’s draft by giving you all the pertinent info you’ll need on the next generation of future salary cap casualties.
Name: Jamal + Marcus + Stupid Parents= JaMarcus
Speed: Fuck No
Arm Strength: Mountain Eclipsing
Urine Test: Positive for clarified butter
Stool Sample: Brobdingnagian
Mainstream Comparison: Daunte Culpepper
KSK Comparison: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on HGH (and you thought it would be a black guy…)
Who Wants Him: The Crypt Keeper and his
Hobby: Collects things that are soft.
Fav Movie: Sling Blade, Of Mice and Men
Story that ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Once housed Fats Domino and a dozen other Katrina refugees in his Baton Rouge apartment that was absolutely not paid for by a booster.
Immediate Impact: JaMarcus has all the skills he needs to be a success but considering his future surroundings (Oakland) he’ll turn into another gunslinger with gaudy numbers and a handful wins. Hey, not everybody can be a Sex Cannon. If he were surrounded by “talent” and “NFL caliber coaching” he’d be a sensation… ‘C’est la vie’, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell…
Down the Road: Most quarterbacks age like wine and cheese. Well JaMarcus’ ass is going to age like a tub of potato salad wedged between PK’s legs on a mid-summer road trip.