Better Know a Draft Pick: JaMarcus Russell

03.06.07 11 years ago 66 Comments

Welcome to the first installment of KSK’s newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We’ll lead up to April’s draft by giving you all the pertinent info you’ll need on the next generation of future salary cap casualties.

Name: Jamal + Marcus + Stupid Parents= JaMarcus
Height: Tall
Weight: Fat

Speed: Fuck No
Arm Strength: Mountain Eclipsing
Urine Test: Positive for clarified butter
Stool Sample: Brobdingnagian

Mainstream Comparison: Daunte Culpepper
KSK Comparison: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on HGH (and you thought it would be a black guy…)

Who Wants Him: The Crypt Keeper and his Wonder Boy

Hobby: Collects things that are soft.
Fav Movie: Sling Blade, Of Mice and Men

Story that ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Once housed Fats Domino and a dozen other Katrina refugees in his Baton Rouge apartment that was absolutely not paid for by a booster.

Immediate Impact: JaMarcus has all the skills he needs to be a success but considering his future surroundings (Oakland) he’ll turn into another gunslinger with gaudy numbers and a handful wins. Hey, not everybody can be a Sex Cannon. If he were surrounded by “talent” and “NFL caliber coaching” he’d be a sensation… ‘C’est la vie’, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell…

Down the Road: Most quarterbacks age like wine and cheese. Well JaMarcus’ ass is going to age like a tub of potato salad wedged between PK’s legs on a mid-summer road trip.

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