Welcome back to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we’ll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.
Name: Matt Ryan
Nickname: Matty Ice
Easy Reasons to Hate Him Sight Unseen: Did you see that fucking nickname? Then there’s the issue of the two first names. I bet he enjoys a good balcony party.
Head: Wicked clevah!
Intangibles: Still unquantifiable.
Urine Sample: Golden.
Stool Sample: Smooth under extreme pressure.
Blood Sample: Blue.
Mainstream Comparison: Tom Brady
KSK Comparison: Joe from Team America
Best Known For: Overblown comebacks, beating crappy teams in bowl games, padding stats against really crappy teams, and leadership.
Who Wants Him: Kansas City loves his ability to win games for bad teams.
Who Will Take Him: Atlanta loves him because he’s safer than your girlfriend’s gay shopping buddy.
Hobbies: 94, 51, 56, and the one on the far right…
Campus Hangout: Planned Parenthood
Favorite Food: Chowdah!
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He’s from small-town Pennsylvania, he attended a prestigious Quaker high school, he attended a prestigious Catholic college, and he emits a distinct odor of apple pie.
Immediate Impact: Jersey sales amongst downtrodden fans.
Down the Road: Another generic disappointment.