First name: Teddy
Last name: Bridgewater
Nickname: Gump (Great Under Major Pressure)
Earned? I guess.
Size: Significantly bigger and taller than Russell Wilson and Drew Brees.
And yet: Pssh, he’s undersized.
Looks like he’s from: West Texas, in the 1980’s.
College: Louisville, arrived early and graduated early
High school: Miami Northwestern, graduated early
Other famous alumnus: Trina, Trick Daddy and lots of football players.
Parents: Rose Murphy
Major: Sports administration
What that means: Whoever drafts him is also getting a front office employee. That’s a twofer.
40 yard dash: Didn’t run.
Asshole’s explanation: He’s scared of putting up a bad time.
Teddy’s likely rationale: There is absolutely no upside to running, so what’s the point?
Combine results: He didn’t throw either.
Seriously? Why not? Because he wasn’t familiar with the receivers.
Oh, he has an answer for everything. Yup.
Get the fuck outta here: No, I cannot, it’s serious.
What his Twitter bio tells us: He really likes his nickname.
What his tweets tell us: No, he really likes his nickname. #GUMP
Appropriate song that accompanies his YouTube highlight video: No words, just an instrumental.
Potential Berman nicknames: Teddy Bridge-“Over Troubled”-water
Unrelated image that show up in Google Image Search: This guy!
Nicest comparison: Beyonce
Meanest comparison: Scary Beyonce
Strengths: Accuracy, preparation, intelligence
Weaknesses: Arm strength, size, athleticism
Loved by: Flubby
Hated by: Fans of teams who really want Johnny Manziel for some reason.
Best puff piece: MMQB
Where he’ll go: Minnesota, if they’re really really fortunate.
What scouts are saying: Small hands and no 40 time? PASS.
What Nolan Nawrocki is (probably) saying: A black quarterback who doesn’t run or throw the ball 70 yards? I’m calling bullshit, guys.
Question he was probably asked over and over during Combine interviews: No questions, just scouts throwing tasty morsels across the room with stopwatches in hand.
Impact: Be Russell Wilson or get the fuck out.
Top image from John David Mercer of USA TODAY Sports via Gamedayr