Better Know a Team: The Jiggywires

08.16.06 10 years ago 14 Comments

We in the sports world know Jacksonville for two things: its lone professional sports team, the Jaguars, and its ability to host a Super Bowl that sportswriters bitched about endlessly.

Oh, but the things this vile ‘ville have visited upon our culture – from a nu-metal-rap supergroup that captured the imagination of the Dead Tree Crew for years to come, to emo scum Yellowcard, and slow… ass… rapping… Ma$e… is… from… there… as… well. It’s also the most populous city in Florida. This means the city has more Floridians than any other place in existence, save the line snaking up to St. Peter. And Jacksonville is named for Andrew Jackson. Yes, Old Hickory, the ugliest motherfucking president ever. God, he makes us look like us put Max Shreck on the twenty. Can’t wait until Bushopolis gets a team.

So what I’m saying is Jacksonville is a festering, feculent blight on our otherwise proud nation.

But the Jags are coming around again to the respectability they enjoyed in the late ’90s. In three years under Jack Del Rio, they’ve gone from 5-11 in ’03 to 9-7 in ’04 to 12-4 last year. Hell, they were the only team to beat both Super Bowl teams last year – even if the win over the Steelers was courtesy of a Tommy Maddox special.

Byron Leftwich continues to amaze by being the most gifted athlete in the NFL when playing while hurt. Fred Taylor astounds us by how often he gets hurt.

And their punter, Chris Hanson, has given us endless grist for the pederast mill with his weekly exposes on Dateline. Keep fighting the good fight, Chris.

Their offense took a hit in the offseason with the retirement of that guy from NYPD Blue and the West Wing and in response, the team picked every fucking player that ever went to UCLA in the draft, including a fine luxury automobile on loan from the campus.

With Smith gone, the passing game looks to the deceptively fast, deceptively tall, deceptively white quarterback-turned-receiver Matt Jones. His was a decent rookie campaign last year, you know, for a white guy. He scored five white touchdowns and gained 432 white yards. Let’s hope he can generate something — even though the defense is stout and they were 12th in the NFL in scoring, it seemed like the Jags won all of their games 13-7.

This is a big year for you, Jaguars; things are on the up-and-up, but you’re still trailing your ’95 expansion brothers, the Panthers. When you both made a conference title game in your second season, we all took notice. Frankly, we were impressed. But the Panthers’ve been to a Super Bowl. Win or lose, that puts them ahead. That makes them the Marlins to your Rockies, the Diamondbacks to your Devil Rays. You don’t want to be the fucking Devil Rays, do you? The Devil Rays don’t wanna be the Devil Rays.

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