Casey Hampton: Coach Sunglasses is all on my case for checking into camp a few pounds overweight. Says I can’t even practice until I drop a few. What kind of Catch-22 shit is that? Ted Washington never played a down in his career under 400 pounds and I’m in trouble for being 350? How’m I supposed to shed that weight, anyway? You’re my roommate, man. You gotta help.
Heath Miller: My diet? Well, yesterday I had an apple turnover. It’s sort of my weakness. That and Boston cream pie, white chocolate strawberries and, oh yeah, mmmmmmm key lime pie. I’ve even lost some weight.
[Hampton lunges at refrigerator, rips door off and frantically ferrets through the contents]
Hampton: What the shit? There’s nothing but yogurt in here.
Miller: Yeah, I know.
Hampton: Aw man, I get it. You’re doing just like in the goddamn commercial.
Whatever. So’s this stuff taste anything like it’s supposed to?
Miller: Kind of, I guess.
Hampton: Okay. They got any bacon yogurt?
Hampton: Spare ribs yogurt?
Hampton: General Tso’s Yogurt?
Hampton: Chicken and waffles yogurt?
Hampton: Fatback yogurt?
Hampton: Philly cheesesteak yogurt?
Hampton: Stuffed crust pizza yogurt?
Hampton: Man, fuck this yogurt.
Miller: You ever thought of creative ways to be more active? You should get a pedometer.
Hampton: That’s one a’ those things that counts your steps, right?
Miller: Right. You could make it a goal to walk at least a certain amount of paces every day. Maybe increase it incrementally throughout training camp.
Hampton: That sounds okay. Either that or Hines told me I could push him around on his…his lickshaw? The fuck is a lickshaw?
Miller: Beats me. I can’t even begin to understand that guy.
[One month later]
Mike Tomlin: All right. Bring it in, bring it in.
Gentlemen, we’ve had a very productive camp and we’re closer to the team we need to be to overcome the daunting road ahead. There’s still progress that needs to be made. I’ve stressed all along that the Steelers are going to be a team comprised of players that are taking all facets of their job seriously. And that includes conditioning. For that reason, there are some players who are being promoted and demoted based on the possession of these qualities. For one, Chris Hoke will be taking over as our new first-team nose tackle.
[Hoke high-fives Brett Keisel]
Hoke: Woooo! That much closer to an all-BYU D-line!
[The two do some crazy Mormon dance]
Hampton: Your pedometer didn’t do shit for me!
Miller: I don’t know. It doesn’t work if you’re taking steps in rhythm with burrito bites.
Tomlin: [Interjecting] By the way, thanks for that bacon yogurt, Heath. That’s some tasty shit.