Bill Belichick hates your minor health concerns

05.17.13 5 years ago 48 Comments

Kyle Love was recently diagnosed with Diabetes, which is astounding considering how healthy he is.

Anyway, Mr Love was released two weeks later due to “non-football injury”. Yeah, they can try to be coy, but lets be real here. He got released for his Diabetes. Now, Jay Cutler has Diabetes, but it doesn’t really affect his play. Jay Cutler’s lack of O-line causes his play, also the fact that he doesn’t care. But he’s proof that Diabetes can be dealt with in an NFL environment. But this is Bill Belichick, he won’t stand for such nonsense. After many phone calls and information gathering through sources, I have found a whole list of minor health concerns that Mr Belichick will not stand for. Be wary. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

The most factually accurate article ever posted

Low blood sugar? Outrageous. We can’t have players forcing us to take timeouts so they can prick their fingers, get blood all over the field, just to check to make sure they aren’t going to die. What’s that? We can test them on the bench? No, our doctors are busy trying to nurse Gronk back to health, we can’t have them occupied with someone who can’t eat right. OFF THE TEAM.

Have you ever hung out with a guy who had too much acne? You just want to take a goddamn needle to his face. we can’t have a distraction like that getting in the way of our team synergy. OFF THE TEAM.


Waa waa waa my chest burns waa waaaa my esophagus lining is burned waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah SHUT UP AND GET OFF MY TEAM

 Ringing in the ears? How is this acceptable? How is a player going to listen to my coaching, or hear audibles and playcalls when they have a mild ringing in their ears in spread out intervals? I want my ears unsullied, clean, and Tinnitusless. OFF MY TEAM. IF YOU CAN HEAR ME YOU LOSER.


What if one of the other team’s players get’s wind of a player’s Peanut Allergy, grabs a handful of peanuts off the bench, and during the play throws the peanuts in our player’s face? We can’t take that risk. OFF THE TEAM.


Weirdo. Teamwork is about standing together, not about showing off. We aren’t a team when one person is walking around flaunting their outwards navel. Plus it’s all weird I don’t like looking at it. Ew. OFF THE TEAM.


I will not stand for bigotry on my team. You accept Lactose or I don’t accept you. OFF THE TEAM.

Good footwork is paramount to football. We can’t have toes going whatever way they please and messing up our playstyles. OFF THE TEAM.

I’m sick of hearing guys cry about how much it burns in the shower. use protection you dummies. OFF THE TEAM.

 We need our players to know who is on what team. They can’t do that if everything is brown. Nobody wants to be the Browns. OFF THE TEAM.

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