VO: This is SportCenter. Duh-nuh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh.
Scott Van Pelt: “I’m Scott Van Pelt and we’re joined on the big show tonight by legendary Yankee one-day player, Billy Crystal.”
Billy Crystal: “Yeah, it’s uh, Bring an Obscure Relative to Work Day.”
SVP: “First up, Nets-Knicks battle tonight for the heart of NYC. Billy, what do you think of the resurgence of both New York teams.”
BC: “There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.”
SVP: “So there is some life left in these storied franchises?”
BC: “Only mostly dead.”
SVP: “Okay then. We all know you’re a big sports fan, Billy. Other than the Yankees, are they any other teams you ever played for?”
BC: “Dodgeball was the best. I was the fastest one out there. Of course, I was the ball.”
SVP: “That’s some hands on expertise.”
BC: “She actually meowed.”
SVP: “Let’s keep the clips rolling with your favorite basketball team, the Clippers.”
BC: “Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, keep them dogies rollin’, man my ass is swollen, Rawhide!”
SVP: “Tonight your Clippers face the New Orleans Hornets. Rumor has it the Hornets will become the Pelicans next season. That’s an usual mascot, don’t you think Billy?”
BC: “Forget Paris!”
SVP: “Right. New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has named Greg McElroy as the starting quarterback for this week’s game against the San Diego Chargers.”
BC: *Inexplicably does the wave.
SVP: “Ryan has yet to give a reason for going with McElroy over quarterback Tim Tebow, who lead the Denver Broncos to a crucial overtime win against the Chargers last year.”
BC: “The worst kind; you’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance.”
SVP: “Elsewhere in the NFL, Alabama athletic director Mal Moore has asserted that he does not believe Nick Saban will leave the ranks of college coaches even if a pro team comes calling.”
BC: “A scary and powerful fire demon!”
SVP: “In a simple courthouse ceremony, Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder and our own Samantha Steele were married Monday. Mazel tov.”
BC: “Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you’re gonna be screaming at each other about who’s gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That’s Mine, This Is Yours.”
BC: *Quickly gets into blackface* “You the young Sinatra, or am I nuts?”
SVP: “Billy, I prefer you with your original face.”
BC: *Quickly removes blackface* I look marvelous. Absolutely marvelous.
SVP: “Billy Crystal everyone. See him in theaters this Christmas in PARENTAL GUIDANCE. Wait, this isn’t a Disney film. Why are we doing this plug? Who let this slip by?”
BC: “I’M ON VACATIOOOOOOOOOON!”
Billy Crystal tonight on SportCenter. Apologies SVP, I love you!