Bonus Fun With Peter King: Only In America

05.20.09 8 years ago 64 Comments

Two nights ago Peter King held a charity auction for Paul Zimmerman which raised, according to King, more than $150,000 for Dr. Z’s recovery. I’m glad this event took place, because I hope Dr. Z gets better. More importantly, it gives us a chance to make fun of Peter’s write-up of the event. Join me, won’t you? Bidding for this post begins at $7,564,908.07…

First, a Twitter recap from Peter…

Zim benefit: Yes, we raised more than 150k. No one knows how much is needed to get him back–or whether he will get back.

You see, strokes are like chemistry…

This gives hope.

$150K for hope? For that much money, I want Dr. Z to be able to fucking JUGGLE CARS. I haven’t seen this much money tossed at false hope since the Obama campaign. HEY-O!!!!!!!

Now to the column…

Wonderful event Monday night at Mayfair Farms here in North Jersey.

Here’s some promo copy from the Mayfair Farms site:

A sweeping entry drive sets the tone for your guests to arrive in style at our 19th Century mansion. Situated on fourteen beautiful acres of landscaped lawns and gardens, Mayfair Farms has earned its’ reputation by consistently providing high quality affairs to customers seeking excellence in fine catering. We offer you and your guests over 60 years of experience, excellent food personalized service and attention to every detail.

BUT YOU FUCKED UP THE COFFEE! ATTENTION TO DETAIL MY ASS! YOU CALL THIS A HIGH QUALITY AFFAIR?!

There’s an old saying about great things getting done when no one cares who gets the credit.

So let me just write a national column about the awesome fundraiser I ORGANIZED.

the New York wine community came out in force to share stories of Zim and their fabulous wine (Tom Coughlin sampled an ’85 Bordeaux and was over the moon about it)

(door flies open)

SERGEANT COUGHLIN: YOU LITTLE PUKES! LOUNGING AROUND A COUNTRYSIDE ESTATE ON YOUR FAT ASSES AT A BENEFIT?! I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH MY COCK! Say, is this the ‘85 Bordeaux? Ooh, it’s lovely! Very robust. MAYBE IF THE ’87 BURGUNDY HADN’T BEEN LATE, IT WOULD BE ABLE TO FUCKING COMPETE. YOU HAD BEST UNFUCK YOURSELF, GEORGES DEBOUF!

Where to begin?

I DID NOT USE MY CAR TO GET TO THIS EVENT. I TOOK A CAB. APPLAUD ME.

Yogi Berra and Dick Ebersol sat next to each other at the NBC table. When I introduced Yogi as the greatest living baseball player in the United States…

Yogi Berra? Really? Was Willie Mays hit by a cement mixer last night?

everyone began clapping,

I AM THE APPLAUSE SPURRER.

…and Ebersol stood, and then everyone stood. Standing O for Yogi at the Zim function. Only in America.

What a country.

Rex Ryan, who is going to be good at the story-telling part of the job, believe me, spun a good yarn about Zim…

I did not realize storytelling was an important part of coaching. This is why Dick LeBeau has been around so long.

Vikings coach Brad Childress did a campy six-minute DVD,

Excuse me while I push my eyes into my brain.

…opening by ripping me for my horse crap mock-drafting ability and begging Zim to come back so SI will finally get the mock-drafting right. Cute. Actually a little bit funny.

But not Caliendo funny.

Bill Belichick’s presence was felt

That’s because of the cameras.

And an anonymous person with a heart of gold — you know who you are, because I know you’re reading this right now

It’s YOU, Jack Bowers!

And WFAN’s Mike Francesa’s donation of Mets and Yanks tickets, and a trip to his show in Queens, raked in a total of $6,900.

But Francesca’s sauce in Tamper Bay told him the bidding would reach $13,000. You questioning his sauces?

Sal Paolantonio coming from south Jersey, and Adam Schefter from Long Island, and the New York Times’ brainy football blogger, K.C. Joyner, who flew here from Florida to attend, and Football Outsiders guru Aaron Schatz, who drove from Massachusetts — all to be on a panel to educate the crowd about all things football. (Spoiler alert for all you Charger fans: Joyner and Schatz study this game 26 hours a day, and they like your Super Bowl chances.)

ANY TEAM THAT IS NOT THE CHARGERS WHO WINS THE SUPER BOWL NEXT YEAR IS JUST A GODDAMN FLUKE.

Just a few things about the bids on this auction. Amazing.

Lofty.

Lunch for two with Tedy Bruschi and me: $5,150. Lunch with me and Boston Globe writer Mike Reiss: $2,950. (Wear a very nice suit, Mike.) And my personal favorite: someone gets to buy me beer at a Red Sox game this summer … and paid $3,300 for the privilege of watching it with me.

That’s a grand total of $11,400 for meals with Peter King. Do not expect him to share his Kit Kat with you.

And they loved your boxing gloves, Ron Borges

Stolen from another writer, I imagine.

Have I heard one talk-show host or columnist scream that if Donte Stallworth is found guilty of vehicular manslaughter, and found to have been driving over the legal limit, he should never be allowed to play football again? No.

Allow me to. If Donte Stallworth is found guilty of vehicular manslaughter, and found to have been driving over the legal limit, he should never be allowed to play football again.

From Peter Jackson, of Atlanta: “No good reason why Vick shouldn’t be reinstated? God, you’re a fat [expletive deleted] idiot.”

This is what you do with your time instead of directing The Hobbit, Jackson? I’m okay with that.

From Anthony Bagnette, of Sydney, Australia… I love life and dogs more then the NFL

Fuck you, you wombat-eater. The NFL’s way important than life and dogs.

From Jason, of Scarborough, Maine: “You don’t think there is any good reason for Mike Vick not to be reinstated to play in the NFL this fall? I challenge, hell, I dare you to use your online column space to go head-to-head with someone with the opposite viewpoint. My guess? You pick anyone with five working neurons and a pulse, and they will make you look like a buffoon.”

GET THAT MAN A FREE COFFEE.

From Mateo Pearson, of Austin, Texas: “If Michael Vick ‘served his time’ in a federal penitentiary why would the NFL not reinstate him? Your hypocrisy continues to shine every week. We are still waiting on your comments on what an egotistical maniac Favre is. But we all know that is not going to happen. You would never speak the truth about your good ol’ boys in the NFL.”

I think I like PK’s readership more than I originally thought.

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