52 Pine Oak Lane
Pasadena, CA 91103
February 27, 2014
National Football League
345 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017
Attn: Roger Goodell
To Whom It May Concern:
It has come to our attention the National Football League was forced to consider moving Super Bowl XLIX out of Arizona due the unfortunate business of Senate Bill 1062. While Governor Jan Brewer vetoed the measure that would have allowed businesses the right to refuse service based on sexual orientation, this is Arizona you are dealing with Mr. Goodell and who knows what other unsavory new laws and regulations may come up between now and next February.
Just last month the poor Jessica Etherington over on South San Rafael lost their beloved gardner Horatio because she absentmindedly sent him to go help her mother-in-law Betty “Bootsy” Worthington Etherington at the family’s ranch in Sedona and he was detained for not waiting long enough at a stop sign. Despite Bootsy’s pleas at the local precinct and a promise to donate heavily at the next police charity ball, the local sheriff still handed Horatio over to the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service. Mr. Goodell, the tragic loss of loss of Horatio has had dire consequences for Ms. Etherington’s dwarf pomegranate trees and now an entire season of fruit has been lost. Now imagine the scale of damage to the National Football League if we all lost our Horatios. Your entire season of football could also be lost.
We also read this morning that you and your advisors had considered Tampa as your backup site if Governor Brewer had not vetoed the bill. Mr. Goodell, we worry about the sort of message that sends to our children about the National Football League. Florida is just so problematic these days, what with all the shootings and all sorts of woman parading around in various states of undress at local dance halls. While we applaud your support for the gay community, should that support reward a city calls a neighborhood “Town N Country” on its maps? It just seems unfitting for a man of your stature to prefer a city that vulgar and base.
I know we’ve had our differences in the past, Mr. Goodell. And yes, we turned on our local officials for supporting the NFL returning to the Rose Bowl. But this is different. We must stand in solidarity and strength for our gay acquaintances. The Ladies Who Lunch were there for you in 1993 when the National Football League moved Super Bowl XXVII after Arizona refused to observe Martin Luther King Day and we are there for you now while Arizona stands on the brink of being the least politically correct state in the union.
Mr. Goodell, we formally invite you to hold Super Bowl XLIX at the Rose Bowl in beautiful Pasadena, California.
We shall provide for the most wonderful tailgating experience along the Arroyo Seco for your fans, warm and accepting to all who attend the event regardless of sexual orientation. We’ll put up colorful banners, cover the streets with flowers and celebrate diversity. I will personally make you my finest guacamole using avocados from my Little Cado tree and cilantro from my window planters. My neighbor Maria Papalexopoulos has offered peaches from her garden so we could set up a fun little sangria stand for fans as they snake their way down Orange Grove to the stadium, making sure our visitors have only the best drinks with which to quench their thirst in the California sun. And while I’m sure the hosts in Tampa make a fine margaritas-by-the-yard in those Slurpee machines they seem to have everywhere, they certainly do not have fresh basil in February as a final finish to their pizza toppings. Tampa does not have the wonderful macaroon store Lette within walking distance to Raymond Jay Stadium, they don’t have a convenient dog bakery, nor do they have a Sur la Table, a Pottery Barn and a Crate and Barrel so close to their parking lots just in case someone forgot to bring napkins to their tailgate.
People always like to talk about how the Super Bowl only has the monied guests and shuts out the common fan. Critics should take note that while the closest car dealership to the stadium sells Bentleys and Rolls Royces, I myself purchased a sensible Mercedes from Rusnak, so both crowds should feel at home when they visit our fine community.
But this isn’t about shopping or how Pasadena is much safer than Tampa. This is about having the Super Bowl in a location that demonstrates a true reflection of American values. A city welcome to all people regardless of sexual orientation or if they prefer J.Crew to Pendleton. A city where people adore Jonathan Adler, Truman Capote and Willa Cather. Did you know The Advocate named Pasadena the second gayest city for 2014? It’s inspired us all. Our own daughter Courtney even made a “NOH8” rainbow collar for our labradoodle Benedict Cumberbatch to show our support for gay people everywhere and has been feverishly pressing rainbow “I Stand With Sam” buttons for her Etsy shop in anticipation for the Super Bowl returning to Bungalow Heaven.
Consider this letter our locally harvested olive branch, Mr. Goodell. We would be honored if you brought Super Bowl XLIX to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena in support of National Football League’s newfound commitment to the gay community. Have you seen our annual Tournament of Roses Parade? I promise you will not find a gayer event in the world. We are prepared to be a host city for a gay NFL.
Penelope Tinsley Darlington
P.S. Just this one game though, we’re still against allowing any team playing here during the regular season while the Rams build a new stadium in the former Hollywood Park location.
Photo via Pasadena Sun. Sure these are all nice ladies not named for PTD.