Spencer Lanning is a cursed man.
Last week, as you are no doubt aware, the Browns’ punter had his face kicked in by an 8/4 summoned creature with trample. Lanning tweeted a self-deprecating joke, Brown was fined, and the world moved on. Still, the football gods have assigned this simple special teams man a fate of inevitable obliteration, and we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber have read the tea leaves to prognosticate his awful, chilling year.
WEEK 2: Spencer Lanning mishandles an extra point, tries to run in the two points, and is summarily destroyed. All that remains is a bouncing helmet.
WEEK 3: Spencer Lanning is hit by a wayward swinging burning effigy while punting in a home game against Baltimore. He is immediately set alight and is reduced to ash before the ball can be kicked. The Ravens recover the fumble for a touchdown.
WEEK 4: Spencer Lanning is enjoying a bye week. He believes he is safe, and he is wrong. While preparing an omelet in his house, an aircraft returning equipment from Afghanistan flies overhead, and a freak mechanical error opens a cargo bay door and drops a tank onto his house. The tank fires a shell in midair which explodes Lanning’s roof before the tank itself falls onto Lanning in his kitchen.
WEEK 5: Spencer Lanning is in the lineup against Tennessee, defying all odds and basic rules of life and death. He records 3 punts for an average of 53 yards. The Browns win, and as Lanning jogs into the locker room, an actual Titan of legend is woken from his million year sleep, rises up hundreds of feet into the air and crushes LP field. Miraculously, everyone survives except Lanning.
WEEK 6: Spencer Lanning enters the home game with the Steelers with one thing on his mind: revenge against Antonio Brown. On a punt in the middle of the third quarter, Brown has beaten the kick coverage. As Lanning digs in to break the curse, Antonio Brown stops, crouches, and delivers a twisting uppercut. His hand is somehow on fire. Lanning is thrown backwards, set on fire and is knocked out. It is the most shared sports internet GIF of all time.
WEEK 7: Spencer Lanning travels with the rest of the team to Jacksonville. By this time, fans are wary of attending the game due to The Titaning in week 5. The game is cancelled. Because it is the Browns at Jacksonville, no one realizes the game is never played. Convinced he has beaten the curse, Lanning goes out for celebratory dinner. The state of Florida suddenly detaches from the mainland and sinks into the ocean. As a nation celebrates, Spencer Lanning is lost to the briny deep.
WEEK 8: Spencer Lanning is with the team as they play Oakland. In the interest of personal safety, Oakland lets the Browns convert every third down so they never have to punt. No one sits next to Lanning on the bench. Everywhere he goes, a dark aura surrounds him and everything he touches is engulfed in pestilence and woe. A few intrepid fans still attend games, much like the windsurfers who tempt hurricanes. Still, no massive natural disaster takes place. Enraged by the lack of adrenaline, the fans rush the field and assault Lanning, causing massive internal hemorrhaging. As the clock expires, so does he.
WEEK 9: As it is clear that Lanning is a threat to the very well being of the public, the NFL builds a bubble in every stadium in which to place him. To prevent any kind of biological airborne attack, an internal airflow circulation system is installed into the bubble. As the Browns play their game against the Buccaneers, a sparrow flies overhead and relieves himself. By pure chance, it drops into the air pump, shorting it out as it begins pumping air out of the bubble. Lanning is asphyxiated inside in full view of the entire stadium. The Browns lose.
WEEK 10: Lanning arrives in Cincinnati knowing that he will die. It is not a question of if, but when. In order to monetize this, the Bengals distribute Lanning Death Lottery cards to the crowd to entice them to disregard their own personal safety and come to the game. As this is in incorrigible bad taste, the NFL immediately stops the practice. The cards are gathered by officials and transported out of the stadium. As one worker carries a bag of cards, he trips and the cards spill out. The wind catches them and Lanning is attacked by a thousand paper cuts. He soon bleeds out on the field. As this possibility was not on any of the cards, no one wins the promotion.
WEEK 11: Lanning returns to action against the Texans. He doesn’t die!
HA JUST KIDDING, DUE TO AN IMPROBABLE SERIES OF EVENTS HE GETS IMPALED ON THE GOALPOSTS.
WEEK 12: Spencer “Kenny” Lanning is playing against Atlanta. Teams have now realized the only way to limit the eventual destruction he brings with him is to keep him away from the stadium. The team charters a second bus for Spencer, which immediately turns the opposite way and heads out of the city. As he soon discovers, the bus can never go under 55 miles an hour, or it will explode. He deftly guides the bus through traffic while maintaining speed. However, he soon realizes that he has accidentally driven the bus around 180 degrees and is heading straight for the stadium. He sighs as he understands the inevitability of the situation. The bus explodes as it hits the stadium wall.
WEEK 13: Cleveland visits Buffalo and Lanning is somehow still on the roster, due to the gross negligence of the Cleveland front office. In an act of coordinated self-defense, the crowd pelts Lanning with enough snowballs to fully encase him in ice. Northern New York is saved from the apocalypse.
WEEK 14: ESPN, politicians, and public health officials urge the Browns to let Lanning go. They argue that Americans across the nation are in undeniable peril whenever Lanning plays a game. The army is called in to protect all NFL stadiums the Browns play inside. Because of this internal crisis, Canada finally launches its long-planned invasion of the United States. They are welcomed with open arms by a populace that feels the 3 down, high scoring format of CFL football may limit the influence of punters such as The Antichrist.
WEEK 15: Yielding to a new Canadian national pressure, the Browns release Lanning. Still wanting to support his teammates, he attends the final Browns home game against the Colts. Fans begin to realize who he is as a meteor crashes into Cleveland Browns Stadium, leaving nothing but rubble. The Browns cease to exist. Cleveland is now a crater of burning refuse. The Cuyahoga river is on fire. Again.
WEEK 16: The Canadian government, drunk on power after conquering their longtime rival to the South and forever optimistic, realize that what they have is the world’s greatest weapon. They begin plans on taking over the western hemisphere by loading Spencer Lanning into a gigantic hamster ball and catapulting him into different countries. After a freak superhurricane takes out the entirety of Brazil, South America becomes South Canada.
WEEK 17: With the world now under Canadian dominance, war is no longer necessary. Peace is achieved as humanity has government issued healthcare with reasonable taxes and useful public works projects. The only item of chaos left in this enlightened society is Lanning himself. The Lords of Canada decide to deal with this problem by launching Spencer Lanning into the moon, where any events he triggers can harm no one on Earth.
They know not the power of the football gods.
The moon abruptly alters orbit, sending it on a collision course with the planet. A species looks into the sky and realizes that they have only damned themselves. As the final moments tick by, Spencer Lanning sighs and rides the moon into the planet, breaking it apart and utterly obliterating it.