It’s the offseason, but that doesn’t mean you have to go the entire spring and summer without laughing at stupid people on the internet. Between now and the kickoff to the new season in September, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber have taken it upon ourselves to bring you the greatest non-football takes on Facebook and other esteemed social media outlets. We may sneak in a few teams here and there as news warrants, but for the most part all groups, NFL or not, are now fair game. Enjoy!
Today, we have something a bit different for you folks. We’re splitting up this week’s fan reactions into a pre- and post-draft article focusing on Buccaneer fans. Why, you ask? It’s very simple: the fan base has had a major schism when it comes to Jameis Winston. Much like other southern pro teams, the bickering in the comments sections usually fall along college team lines, and Buccaneer Facebook is no different: it’s clearly Florida State vs Florida here. Can you guess which side doesn’t want to draft Winston?
In order to fully experience the inevitable meltdown by half of the fan base, we’re going to capture a few moments in time here, and then check back on Friday to see which side is in the thrall of apoplectic disappointment. Today we’ll focus on the folks who really, really don’t want Winston. What will happen as they see him shake the commissioner’s hand?
I mean. A lot of capital letters, most likely.
IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY GARY YOU HAVE TO SET IT UP:
No, Gary! You can’t just drop DEEZ NUTS into anything you want and claim victory. There’s very strict protocol on this. First you make up a word. Then you tweet it to a famous person, and when they reply, THAT’s when you drop the ballsack joke. Were you not in the third grade, Gary? Did you not experience this firsthand? Do you still think the Pen Fifteen club is a real thing?
I FOUND YOUR SOCKPUPPET ACCOUNT, MIKE:
Man that’s a lot to extrapolate upon, buddy. I sort of hope this happens! I want to see angry folks on Friday, and drafting an offensive lineman with your first pick when you have two frothing factions expecting quarterbacks is the best way to achieve chaos. Oh man, think of the already-filed thinkpieces that would have to be thrown out and rewritten! I can’t wait. Also, Christian, promising Mike Glennon to deliver you a Super Bowl in 7 years is uh…quite….optimistic.
THIS WAS THE INEVITABLE ANALOGY I KNEW WOULD HAPPEN:
ohhhh noooooooooo Ron. Ron, don’t say things like that.
Oh, this is sublime. There’s the misquoted “defense wins championships” cliche, the unfinished ‘offensive’ suggestion, and even a Vinny Testaverde name drop. Of course, this is really about Kyle here chiming in at the end. It’s adorable. I love the idea that there’s a family of internet commenters all sitting around the fire typing scalding hot takes into Facebook group pages.
SO UH, YOU KNOW THEY CHANGED THE FLAG RIGHT:
Oh Bob. You don’t really keep up with current events now, do you. I don’t mean to be the one to break it to you, but..
Russia hasn’t had a red flag in twenty-three years. You can come out of the bunker now. It’s safe.
WAIT WHAT DAY DO THEY PLAY AGAIN:
I’m so confused by this. First off, Mariota is Catholic. I don’t presume to know his political leanings (not like it matters), but Roger, you do realize that a vast majority of professional football games take place on a Sunday, right? So I mean, your ideal draft pick would easily become the most useless player in the entire league, which is an accomplishment, seeing as this is now a league that includes Tim Tebow.
NOT THE LEGS ANYTHING BUT THE LEGS NOOOO:
Coach (into microphone): “Okay Jameis. We have the ball down to the 10, and we just need you to hand it off a few times and we’ve got this. Okay?”
Winston (in huddle): “….”
Coach: “Jameis, Can you hear me?”
Coach: “What is he…no JAMEIS NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING”
*opposing team stacks buckets of crab legs behind other end zone, Jameis runs 90 yards backwards, acquires legs, loses game*
Coach: “NOOOO IF ONLY WE HAD BEEN WARNED ON SOCIAL MEDIA OF HIS ONE FATAL WEAKNESS”
So now we play the waiting game. Will the Buccaneers draft Jameis, causing the above folks to have simultaneous conniptions? Come back Friday and FIND OUT!