I had the opportunity to sit down with former Minnesota Vikings Punter Chris Cooley. Chris is a outspoken propenent of everyone he meets being Gay and also my first interview with a former NFL player*.
Cooley and I sat down and no holes were barred, two opposing minds going at it discussing everything from the possibility of the Gay player sexually assaulting straight fans as well as what he would do if he were commissioner for a day. Buckle up because theres some foul language and also strong NFL truths folks.
*-kicker but come on.
PFTC: Why are we still talking bout Gay players in the NFL? Why are you obsessed with him like hes Bigfoot? No one cares. No one talks about all the Straight players so why should we even care whose Gay?
Chris: Well, unlike Bigfoot (who, beef jerky commercials to the contrary, does not exist), gay players in the NFL *do* exist, and we talk about them because our society hasn’t yet reached a point where they’re comfortable being who they are. In addition, we talk about straight players all the time, we just don’t realize we’re doing (wedding plans, missing a game for a child’s birth, who is this athlete dating?), which I believe is referred to as a hetero-normative bias if you want to get technical.
PFTC: Thats fair Chris, but if YOU want to get technical NFl players are only like .01% of the World population and only 5% of people are Gay so do the ma+h its like .005% chance that a NFL player is gay
Chris: (stunned silence he knows Ive got him on this one)
PFTC: Whose the Gay player?
Chris: The last person you’d ever expect. Batman.
PFTC: Im on record that Im cool with it until a Gay player tries to sneak up to the stands and kiss me while Im trying to watch the action on the field- then were going to have a problem. What if they kiss a straight fan on the lips even if its not French or anything, what then?
Chris: I would imagine Roger Goodell would fine that player for leaving their carefully designated “entertainment enclosure” and would seriously consider posting guards armed with cattle prods around the perimeter of the field.
PFTC: Well Lets set some guideline’s here: Does a M/M/F 3some make you Gay?
Chris: I would imagine that depends if you’re a guy or a girl, and how you sexually identify yourself, as well as what sexual acts are being performed. Short answer – yes.
PFTC: So your calling 75% of Defensive Backs Gay then?
Chris: That number might be a little low.
PFTC: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
Chris: As fuck.
PFTC: Where do you stand on the Redskins football name? If your against it then I automatically assume your against the Patriots and the Vikings since there both also named after things that exist.
Chris: I’m firmly against any football team name that describes something other than an irrational number.
PFTC: Ah, well played, youve got some ma+h tricks to I see.
PFTC: F/M/K any NFL players of alltime
PFTC: Your Book, “Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies” is about a coach who called you that. Was he a lunchpail fella or what lol sounds like a gritty sonofabitch.
Chris: The grittiest hard-hatted sonuvabitch I’ve ever met. He could eat rebar and crap out wrought iron ornamental filigree.
PFTC: My biggest thing against Gay players is that they could get to distracted around all the ti
ght pants and straight buttslaps. So my idea is that they demonstrate in a tryout that you can blow a teammate during a play and still be effective holding contain, that way coaches know that even if your distracted you can still set the edge. Whats the competitions committees reaction going to be to that?
Chris: Might be potentially awkward, depending on who the test examples are.
PFTC: Lets cut through the BS and call a spade a spade here, 9/11 was a inside job.
Chris: You’ll have to ask Pete Carroll.
PFTC: Why arent there Black kickers? I actualy think some of these feet first QBs are playing out of position and could kick the ball all over the yard if they could concentrate on one thing at a time. Do you think there should be a Rooney rule for kickers call it the Roby Rule?
Chris: I think we should all be legally required to paint ourselves green so concepts like “inferiority of race” die the misbegotten death they so richly deserve. If you can play, you can play.
PFTC: If you were on the party boat what activity would you of done? What was the lifejacket situation like on there not to be racist I bet McKinnie was wearing floaties on his arms and toungue
Chris: I would’ve jet-skiied. Sadly, I was the only rookie not invited, so I didn’t get a chance to show everyone my CPR techniques.
PFTC: As a treat for the fans, what if there was like a bounty on every bone in your body but YOU got paid when it got injured what would be fair? $500 for a wrist etc.?
Chris: This question is remarkably vague, even by your standards. Are you asking about worker’s comp? Hired hitmen in the stands? Rabid attack dogs?
PFTC: I mean like if you got paid everytime your bones got broken on the field by a linebacker or if your ankles got broken by a certain Chicago punt returner. what would your diffrent body parts be worth?
Chris: Right foot worth three million, everything else is extraneous.
PFTC: If you could give one message to NFL fans would it be to drink more before entering a NFL game, or would it be to organize cool chants and signs ahead of time when were threatening our franchise QBs home?
Chris: Organize your chants ahead of time. There’s no substitute for practice, and it can really throw everyone off rhythm when you say “fuck your mother with a crocodile tail” while everyone else is saying “gag on my man meat you chode.”
PFTC: What real football player do you think would be the best punter?
Chris: David Beckham
PFTC: What a Gay answer
PFTC: Did Jared Allen bring his lunch in a pail or did he use to just drag the whole carcass in and skin it while making eye contact with Tarvaris 2 send a message that you come to work to work?
Chris: We had a pen full of wild boars behind the team facility and he would choose the one he wanted to eat that day and then rip out its jugular with his teeth. The squeals were deafening.
PFTC: Did you ever punt the ball in to Mr, Jones scoreboard? Why not?
Chris: Never got the chance, unless that’s a code phrase for “had vigorous sexual relations with all your female relatives above the age of consent,” in which case, yes. Yes I did.
PFTC: BTW, What do you think of my nickname “Jonestown” for Cowboys stadium because not to be racist, but going there feels like South America and it makes me want to kill myself?
Chris: Aren’t there like five million television screens there? How can you be upset at a place with ten million television screens? Surely one of them has to be showing softcore porn, right?
PFTC: If you had to get a concussion or lose a leg on the field which one?
Chris: Concussion, unless losing the leg meant we won the Super Bowl. Then I’d get a ring *and* workers comp!
PFTC: There you have it the players dont care about concussions folks.
PFTC: When did you lose your virginity? Did he pull out?
Chris: 19, no. It was tender, yet firm.
PFTC: Which player would be the coolest if they were Gay? Even the casual fan has to admit that theyd be disappointed if it was you or like someone like that.
Chris: I think any player would have people rally behind him (low hanging fruit for you right there), with obviously a more marquee player drawing more attention. Hopefully one day we’ll get to the point where we don’t even consider this an issue or question to be asked.
PFTC: Lol, “low hanging fruit!” Ok Chris last question, your NFL commissioner for a day, after you make a law saying that everyone gets participation medals whats your next act as leader?
Chris: Build a spaceship, with hookers, and blackjack!
PFTC: Ok thanks Chris youve used alot of words that no one outside of you and your pets understands so thanks for trying to make us all feel dumb. Maybe now that your unemployed like the rest of America it seems like, maybe you’ll come around eventually and realize that if you had supported honest clean businessmen like Zygi Wilf and the Davis family youd still have a job. Sorry I had to own you on National Internet but now I guess I know how Devin Hester feels pal.