Bernie Kosar was my favorite football player when I was a kid. No joke. Lots of the great QB’s back then – Montana, Marino, Elway, Laufenberg – were brilliant athletes who made the game look easy. Kosar was the exact opposite. Kosar made every play look like a complete fucking struggle. Which made him easier to identify with for fat, slovenly children such as myself. I would sneak downstairs to watch him play on Monday night. I also snuck downstairs back then because we had just gotten Showtime and “Candy Stripe Nurses” would come on late at night. But in between spanking myself raw, I watched Kosar work similarly hard for wins.
In fact, the entire Browns teams of the late 80’s were like that. They were winning teams, but they sure weren’t very graceful. They were the kind of teams that ran the ball a million times, got a few big plays (usually on trick plays), and then desperately tried to hold on with big defensive plays. That’s what made The Drive so devastating. After struggling mightily to gain leads against the Broncos, watching that horse-faced prick Elway easily march straight down the field to snatch the game away felt unfair. The Browns worked hard for those games, and then some asswipe Homecoming King coach’s kid just swiped them away, like Henri stealing Woody Boyd’s girlfriend. Fucker.
The Browns haven’t been relevant since. At least teams like the Cardinals have the common courtesy to be entertainingly bad. The Cards suck, but they still played in the most memorable game of the year (the Bears loss). The Browns just got shut out 30-0 by the Bengals in a game so bad I would rather have looked at Britney’s exposed furburger instead. And that thing is feral.
I blame two people for this. The first, of course, is Arsenio Hall. Stupid triangle-faced fuck. The second is this pompous dipshit on the right:
Carmen Policy. Policy made his bones as the GM of the 49er teams that won all those Super Bowls. But GM wasn’t the right title. He was more like the Executive Producer, some fuck who managed to get his name on the credits without actually doing anything. Bill Walsh picked the players. Eddie DeBartolo paid them under the table (and who wouldn’t take laundered money from a shady asswipe with Simon Cowell’s haircut?). What did Carmen Policy do? I think he made some Shiraz so everyone could celebrate.
But when you’re BFF’s with Chris Berman like Policy was (allegedly, DeBartolo and Policy wanted to give Berman a 49ers championship ring, but ESPN viewed this as a conflict of interest and disallowed it, which annoyed Berman. And now you know why Chris Berman should die by Ooga Booga), you get the kiddie-glove treatment. Which is why Al Lerner thought Policy and Dwight Clark would make such a stellar tandem when he hired them in 1999. They then proceeded to give the team the Angry Pirate by drafting uninspiring player after uninspiring player. And the Browns have been horrible ever since, with injuries and bad luck compounding their efforts to recover.
Worse than that, they continually get upstaged in badness, which makes them hard to ridicule. Sure, Romeo Crennel has one mighty black FUPA. Probably has some hair on it. But Crennel doesn’t rock the pleated shorts like Bill Parcells does, so his FUPA fades in to the limelight while Parcells’ gunt flaps about for all to see. Kellen Winslow’s Gary Busey impression got upstaged by Ben Roethlisberger’s Gary Busey impression. Reuben Droughns’ DWI got upstaged by Odell Thurman’s (Chris Henry vomited on Odell’s car, Reuben. Bring Braylon next time and see if he’ll whip his dick out in front of a female police officer). Browns fans tossing bottles on the field got upstaged by Piston fans who had better aim.
No matter what the Browns do to get attention, someone else ends up taking the spotlight away from them. Elwaying them, as it were. And that’s sad, because the NFL is really a better place when the Browns are interesting. So I have a plan devised to do just that. This plan won’t make the Browns competitive. Far from it. It would likely make them even worse. But it will guarantee that people sit up and take notice, which is half the battle.
Step 1 – Trade for Drew Bledsoe. Don’t worry about Bledsoe being fucking horrible. The magic is in benching him.
Step 2 – Have a player murder someone. And not in a pussy way like Rae Carruth. Get someone willing to pull the trigger himself. That would be fucking sweet.
Step 3 – Dump Crennel. Hire Ditka. I’m pretty sure Ditka can’t read. You may go 0-16.
Step 4 – Stop affiliating yourself with Drew Carey.
Step 5 – Ditch the current doodie brown uniforms. Doodie brown plays slow.
Step 6 – Move to LA. Become the Flaky, Effete, Liberal Dipshits.
Step 7 – Copy the Detroit model. Hire an unpopular analyst to become an even more unpopular GM. But up the stakes. I’m not talking Theismann. I’m talking about the King Retard himself:
Are you an interesting team now, Browns? Yes, you are. Bernie would be proud.