Coach Haley Is Not Your Waiter

03.04.09 9 years ago 60 Comments

(Chiefs headquarters)

Scott Pioli: And here’s the weight room. We just bought a million bucks worth of Hammer Strength equipment, which of course you have access to at all times.

Matt Cassel: That’s awesome, Mr. Pioli.

Pioli: Also, leave any laundry you wish right on top of your locker box. Our equipment managers will have it washed and folded for you the next day, any day you leave it. And if you have any training table requests, let us know and they’ll be added to the spread within a week.

Cassel: Wow. That’s amazing. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be here, Mr. Pioli. Really. I’m excited to get to work and help turn this team around.

Pioli: Glad to have you here, too.

Cassel: Although, I have to ask. I’ve heard some things about coach Haley. I heard he can be a touch… abrasive.

Pioli: Matt, I’ve known Todd Haley for years. And I can tell you that there is no more dedicated and determined coach out there. I promise you you’ll like playing for him.

(Corvette door flies open)


Cassel: Coach Haley, I just wanted to tell you how glad I am to be here and to play quarterback for the Chiefs.

Haley: Who said you were playing quarterback? What, you think just because you’re here we’re gonna gift you the fucking job? You COMPETE for the job, son. Then maybe, MAYBE, I let you on MY FUCKING FIELD. You hear me, cuntnugget?

Cassel: I’m sorry, Coach. I didn’t mean to be presumptuous. I’m just really happy to be part of this organization, and I look forward to working with you.

Haley: With me? WITH me? What are you, co-head coach now?

Cassel: No, I didn’t mean it like that…

Haley: (chews gum loudly) What, you wanna call the plays now? “Hey, I’m the co-head coach and I say we run a waggle pass because I’m fucking gay and stupid!” Is that what you think will happen?

Cassel: No.

Haley: I CALL THE FUCKING PLAYS. Okay? And you will execute them WITH FUCKING PRECISION AND TO MY FUCKING SATISFACTION. Okay, towel boy? And if you don’t like it, THERE’S THE FUCKING DOOR, BRADY JUNIOR. I didn’t work up to this level just to let some no-name run this team with me. FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHORE OF A MOTHER WHO GARGLES COCK FOR LOOSE CHANGE. From now on, I’m nicknaming you Whorechild.

Cassel: I didn’t mean it like that. By working WITH you…

Haley: Let’s get a few things straight, grapenuts. You work FOR me. Understood? FOR me. Are we fucking clear on that? OR ARE YOU FULL RETARD LIKE BRAIN WATERS?

Cassel: Yes, sir. Of course. If you don’t mind, Coach, I’m going to go grab some lunch.

Haley: Lunch? You want lunch? What do you think, we’re some kind of fucking restaurant? You think I’m your fucking waiter?

Cassel: No, that isn’t what I said at all.

Haley: Are you calling me a liar?

Cassel: No!

Haley: Oh, now you’re gonna raise your voice to me? So you think you can waltz the fuck in here, CALL MY PLAYS, ASK ME TO BE YOUR FOOD BITCH, AND CALL ME A LIAR? You think that’s gonna sit well with myself or ownership? (phone call) That’s my phone. IT’S A FUCKING STORM. It’s probably my mistress. She’s a fucking sex kitten. Do you cheat on your wife?

Cassel: No.

Haley: Why not? What are you, a fucking gash?

Cassel: Listen, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here…

Haley: You accusing me of fucking with your footwork?

Cassel: JESUS! No! I’m just trying to make a good first impression here.

Haley: You’re fucking failing, Whorechild. TODD HALEY IS NO MAN’S FOOD BITCH. YOU HEAR ME? Maybe fucking Herm Edwards was a little food bitch for everyone here. Maybe he made you Jello Jigglers just the way widdle wubbzy zubbzy likes them. MAYBE HE WORE A FUCKING GIMP OUTFIT AND LET EVERYONE SHOVE CUCUMBERS UP HIS GAPING TAN ASSHOLE. But that is not how I do business. Are you telling me you want little Herm Food Bitch Edwards to be your coach now?

Cassel: No! I’ve never even met Herm Edwards!

Haley: You calling me a liar AGAIN?

Cassel: I’m just going to stop talking now.

Haley: Stop talking? Who said you could stop talking? DID WE NOT BRING YOU IN HERE TO BE A FUCKING LEADER, YOU FUCKING TURTLE DICK?

Cassel: Yes, sir.

Haley: You got a real fucking attitude problem, Whorechild. You want to be here very long, you better adjust your fucking attitude AND NOT TREAT EVERYONE LIKE THEY’RE YOU’RE FUCKING JELLO WHORE. I’m a selfish coach, nutrag. I WANT TO WIN AND I WANT TO WIN NOW. I WANT PLAYERS WHO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT MEANS TO PLAY FOR TODD FUCKING HALEY. YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I HOPE YOUR FUCKING WIFE GETS BREAST CANCER AND DIES IN YOUR ARMS.

Cassel: Holy shit, you are the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.



Pioli: Like I said. Once you get to know Coach Haley, you really begin to understand where he’s coming from.

Cassel: How long have you known him?

Pioli: Oh, we haven’t really on speaking terms for a few decades.

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