Mark Sanchez: Oof, that was a tough loss the other day, Leon.
Leon Washington: Yup.
Sanchez: The Saints handled us pretty good.
Sanchez: I guess that’s just a lesson you learn. Everything isn’t always gonna be all roses. I gotta realize that I still have a lot to learn. Can’t get too pleased with anything. I guess Coach Ryan’s gonna go pretty hard on us.
Washington: Are you kidding? He’s even more fun after a loss than he is after a win.
Sanchez: Really? How so?
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Good, coach.
Ryan: I feel FUCKING GREAT today, men. FUCKING GREAT. I feel like I could fuck a tarantula. Sanchez, your new nickname is NACHO!
Sanchez: I thought it was Chimichanga.
Ryan: (burps) Yeah, well that’s NACHO name anymore! YOU GET IT? SPANISH TALK IS FUCKING WILD! Now, first order of the day: clipping. Nacho, I saw you try and take out Vilma’s knees on that one play.
Sanchez: I’m sorry, coach. It won’t happen again.
Ryan: Goddamn right it won’t. Next time you clip that fucker, you get him right ABOVE the knee. That way, his feet stay planted and his leg tears damn near in half. THAT’S HOW WE DO IT IN OUR CLIP DRILLS, SO TAKE WHAT YOU LEARN AND APPLY IT TO WIPING THOSE FUCKERS OUT! Next up: trades! Boys, I want you to welcome your new teammate. Bring the newbie in!
(door flies open, playbook dropped)
Braylon Edwards: Hi. I’m Braylon.
Ryan: Heh heh. BRAYLON. Is that the blackest name ever or what? HELLUVA BLACK NAME. Boys, Braylon comes uto us from the dilapidated shithole known as Cleveland. Ain’t that right, fella?
(licks chicken grease off thumbs)
Braylon: Yes, Coach.
Ryan: And your coach was that little fuckface Mangini, wudn’t it? HOO BOY, THEY PUT THE FUCKING TOWELBOY IN CHARGE OF THAT SHIPWRECK! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, first things first, Edwards. Your new nickname is HYENA! Cause you got a funny black name that makes me laugh! Also, I understand you got yourself into a fight the other day.
Braylon: Oh, that was just a misunderstanding, coach.
Ryan: BULLSHIT. Did you punch out the fucker or not? Was he trying to cop some of your pussy that night? Was he? He wanted to steal some pussy from you, didn’t he? Didn’t he?
Ryan: OH! OUR LITTLE NEWBIE WILL PUNCH FOR PUSSY! That’s the kinda fuckface I want on this squad! Don’t lose your punchiness, Hyena! NACHO’S gonna be relying on you! Now, since you’re new, it’s time TO HAZE YOUR ASS!!!!
Ryan: You got thirty seconds to polish off these two tall boys. DO IT. CHUG IT.
Braylon: But it’s eight AM…
Ryan: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Everyone: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Braylon: Oh, okay.
(chugs beer, drops cans)
Ryan: Gotta work on those hands, Hyena. Only balls that drop around here are mine in the steam bath! NOW LET’S GET HITTIN’! BRING OUT THE DOLPHIN!
Braylon: Is that real dolphin?
Ryan: Sure is! NOW HIT THAT FUCKER! KILLLLLLLLLLL! HE’D RULE THE SEAS IF HE COULD! TURN THIS FUCKER INTO A CAN OF BUMBLEBEE!
(punches dolphin, everyone cheers)
Ryan: YEAH BABY!!!! THAT IS WHAT THE FUCK I AM TALKING ABOUT!
Braylon: Hey, that felt pretty good.
Ryan: Goddamn right it did! Now you listen to me, Hyena. I know you just came from a bunch of fucking LOSERS. But there are no losers in this locker room. We are fucking WINNERS. And winners don’t drop balls. They grab those balls and stuff them in the other team’s fucking face! ARE YOU FUCKING READY TO BE A GODDAMN WINNER?
Braylon: I am, sir.
Ryan: I want everyone in here to listen to me. We lost on Sunday. I know that sucks. It happens. Other teams have good players. Other teams work hard. You ain’t gonna get through the fight without gettin’ a shiner. Everyone loses sometimes. The question is, men: ARE YOU GONNA KEEP THAT COCK UP? I don’t care about your head being up. I don’t care about your chin being up. You don’t play this game with your head. YOU PLAY IT WITH THAT COCK AND BALLS. It’s fuck or be fucked out there. CHAMPIONS KEEP THAT COCK UP. Fucking losers let that cock go limp. ARE YOU GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN?
Ryan: You gonna keep that cock up? UP THIS HIGH?
Ryan: YOU GONNA KEEP FUCKING THAT PUSSY?
Ryan: ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLL THAT PUSSY?
Ryan: Then let’s fucking do it! LET’S KEEP THAT COCK UP AND SLAY THAT GODDAMN PUSSY! WE’RE GONNA WIN! AND THEN WE’RE GONNA GO SHOOT GUNS AND PUNCHFUCK STRIPPERS! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!!! MOTHERFUCKING COCK ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE…
Ryan: Jesus, that was good! I need bacon!
Braylon: Is every day here like this?
Sanchez: Not always. Some days we play mailbox baseball.
Braylon: (looks to sky) Thank you, Jesus.