Mark Sanchez: Hey, Shonn. These offseason workouts are going pretty good.
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: But we’re gonna have to work hard.
Sanchez: Lotta expectations this year. People are gonna expect us to maybe make the Super Bowl.
Sanchez: That ain’t easy.
Sanchez: Think Coach will have us ready?
Greene: Dude, Coach could have me ready to jump into a bowl of hot doodoo.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Hey, Coach.
Ryan: Oh, men. MEN. Oh, what a month I’ve had! I lost 40 pounds!
Sanchez: That’s great, Coach.
Ryan: Damn straight it is, Nacho. Coach Ryan is READY FOR PUSSY ONCE MORE. Saddle up those pussyponies, ‘cause I’m drivin’ ‘em home! Not only that, I took a shit this morning, fellas, that would have you tipping your fucking HAT. Damn near had half a mind to eat the thing, it looked so perfect. And I didn’t break the toilet! You talk about somethin’ new! REX RYAN HAS BUSTED MORE TOILETS THAN CATHOLIC HYMENS.
Sanchez: Well, congrats, Coach. We’re all proud of you.
Ryan: Goddamn right you are. Now, first order of business today. NICKNAMES. Nacho, your new nickname is Rauncho Pauncho. Cause you’re dirty, and you’re Mexican!
Ryan: Second order of business: The new guys. Where are the new guys! Tomlinson! Big Dick!
(door flies open)
LT: Hey, Coach.
Ryan: Tomlinson, your new name is Bacon.
LT: Most people call me LT.
Ryan: Son, the L and the T are the two parts of the fucking sandwich I have no use for. Your name is bacon, and if you don’t sit behind Greene here like a good little doggie, I will fucking FRY you and eat you.
Ryan: Okay, now Big Dick.
Ryan: No, the other big-dicked turd I bought for pennies on the dollar. Yeah, you! Got a big dick, don’t you, Tiptoes?
Santonio: I dunno.
Ryan: Oh, don’t pussyfoot around. I saw you on my compunet! I could take down six of my daddy’s calves with that monster dangling from your waist. I bet you’ve made more women bleed than Ted Bundy. Am I right?
Santonio: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Big Dick here leaves himself a trail of tears all across the Rust Belt! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Holmes on the ass, hard)
Ryan: Fucking great hustle! Big Dick, your new nickname is SHERCOCK HOLMES. Cause something tells me you can always detect that pretty snatch! Am I right?
Santonio: Yes, sir
Ryan: Fucking ay. Now, men. MEN. We got a lot riding on this training camp. Lot of expectations. Lot of people watching us.
Sanchez: I know. Some people said we might make the Super Bowl!
Ryan: Shut up, Rauncho Pauncho! I’m not talking about the fucking Super Bowl. I’m talking about being on HBO. They’re putting us on TV, and I’ll be goddamned if we’re gonna be less compelling than the Cowboys or Bengals or the fucking Ravens. Goddamn Brian Billick. That man looks like a penis. THESE HBO PEOPLE PAID FOR FUCKING BLOOD, AND WE’RE GONNA GIVE IT TO THEM. FUCKING HARD.
Now, men. I won’t mince words with you. I am a very overweight man. I have a hard time controlling my appetite for ribs and pussy, and it shows. That’s why I got this lap band surgery. And since I’ve lost all this weight, I feel like a new man. I feel stronger. I feel more powerful. I feel READY TO KILL. ARE YOU READY TO KILL?
Ryan: SAY IT LIKE YOU’RE FUCKING DIGGING THE KNIFE IN!
Everyone: FUCK YES!
Ryan: Let me tell you men why I got skinny. And let me tell you why you’re all gonna do the same. Because when those HBO cameras roll, I want the rest of the league to see a team that is ready for fucking WAR. I want them to see that we worked our bodies like a fucking Malaysian shoelace maker. I want everyone to see that this New York Jets battalion is ready FOR KILLING AND FUCKING. I want Belichick shitting his pants, and I want Belichick’s cougar fuck buddy creaming her stretch pants at the sight of us. This is not a TV show, men. This is a declaration. This is our chance to BRANDISH OUR FUCKING ARSENAL. Isn’t that right, Shercock Holmes? They’re gonna need a longass lens for that thing.
Santonio: Yes, sir.
Ryan: Men, a lot of coaches won’t tell you this, but part of being a winner is LOOKING like one. That’s why I want you to follow this training regimen I’ve devised.
(hands out pamphlet)
FUCKING – REVERSE COWGIRL
3 x 50 thrusts
1 x failure
3 x 175 thrusts
FLYING V (WOMAN’S LEGS PLACED ON YOUR SHOULDERS)
1 x 75
1 x 125
2 x failure
3 x 15 stabs
1 x failure or buffalo death
1 x failure
HIPPIE HEAD KICKS
1 x 50
1 x 75
1 x failure or hippie death
Sanchez: Shouldn’t we lift weights?
Ryan: Son, nothing works your quads better than kicking in some fucking burnout’s head. NOW FUCKING BRING IT IN.
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: This is our moment, men. Everyone said Rex Ryan was a fool to bring in HBO cameras. Everyone said Rex Ryan was a fool to bring in some washed up dipshit like ol’ Bacon over here.
Ryan: GO CRY IN YOUR VISOR IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT! Men, everyone said Rex Ryan was a fool to hype up his team like this. To build up unrealistic expectations. But I didn’t. And you know why? Because you men are fucking WINNERS. And I expect all of you to walk the walk and talk the talk and fuck the fuck. I expect all of you to put yourselves through hell on Earth so that you can put every fucking team in your path through a wall this season. I want this HBO show to let people know that the New York Jets are DONE FUCKING AROUND. Are you done fucking around?
Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING MURRRRDERRRR???
Ryan: You are big fucking winners with huge fucking dicks, especially Shercock Holmes over there. This is your time to show it. We’re gonna fucking MOW DOWN EVERYTHING IN OUR PATH. THEN WE’LL ALL BE SKINNY AND WOMEN WILL BLOW US WHILE HAND FEEDING US RAW STEAKS. ARE YOU FUCKING READY FOR THAT? ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING TAKE THE MANTLE AND KILL?
Ryan: FUCKING KILL ON THREE ONE TWO THREE!!!
Ryan: Okay. Time for my protein shake.
Sanchez: I think we’re gonna be okay.