Jets Fan: Honey, you seen my keys?
Wife: They’re in the drawer.
Jets Fan: Why do you always put them in the drawer? I use ‘em every day! Now I gotta go open the drawer every freakin’ time!
Wife: Oh, you’ll live.
Jets Fan: We’ll have words, woman.
Jets Fan: Huh. I don’t recognize that number. Eh, what the hey. I’ll answer it.
(flip phone flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN’? THIS IS COACH REX RYAN, OF YOUR NEW YORK JETS…
Jets Fan: Oh, hey! Hi, Coach Ry…
Ryan: And I’m calling to let you know how much we need your support this week against the Titans.
Jets Fan: Oh, it’s a recording!
Ryan: …After all, they DO have a better coach, and they DID have the best record in football last year. I mean, they’re so strong up front. Really, our boys’ll be lucky just to be in the game by the fourth quarter.
Jets Fan: Really?
Ryan: FUCK NO! WE’RE GONNA FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLLL!!!! But I guess you’re just gonna sit home and not bother to come out…
Jets Fan: Well I…
Ryan: …I guess you figure we were lucky to beat the Pats, so this’ll be our letdown game. I bet you’re gonna stay home and flood your maxipad, right?
Jets Fan: Um…
Ryan: HELL FUCKING NO, YOU AIN’T. YOU’RE COMING TO THE STADIUM ON SUNDAY, AND YOU’RE GONNA CHEER FOR OUR BOYS UNTIL YOUR THROAT IS LEATHER. AND WE’RE GONNA WIN, AND THEN YOU’RE GONNA GO HOME, GRAB YOUR WIFE’S HAIR, AND FUCK HER UNTIL HER KNEES SHAKE! RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS! Now stay on the line for five minutes while I eat this sub!
Jets Fan: Okay…
Wife: What’s going on?
Jets Fan: I think he’s eating a sub. Hey, we gotta go to the game this weekend.
Ryan: TELL HER YOU DON’T NEED TO FUCKING EXPLAIN YOURSELF! WINNERS DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN SHIT! THEY JUST KILLLLLLLLL!!!
Jets Fan: Uh…
Ryan: Okay, I’m finished. That was a great fucking sub. Okay, next order of business: Nicknames. I’ve giving you a nickname. Your new nickname is PUSSYPILOT. Don’t question it, because it’s a fucking rock star nickname. Next order of business: fighting. You see some braindead Tennessee zombie in the stands on Sunday, YOU FUCKING BEAT HIS ASS WITH A HAMMER. I WANT THESE ASSHOLES LAID OUT. I WANT BLOOD IN THE AISLES. I ALREADY TOLD SECURITY IT WAS ALL GOOD. DON’T WORRY. COACH RYAN’S GOT YOUR FUCKING BACK. ALL HE ASKS IS THAT YOU GET HIS.
Jets Fan: Wow.
Ryan: Next up: Cheering. Did you know Kerry Collins is a boozer? Well, that fucker is. SO REMIND HIS ASS. Also, Chris Johnson’s grandma died last week. YOU LET HIM KNOW WHAT A PUSSY HE IS FOR MISSING HER. I also think one of those guys is diabetic. I already told all the CVSs around the area to delay their insulin shipments. YOU BE SURE TO WAVE CANDY BARS FROM THE STANDS TO TAUNT THOSE FUCKS.
Jets Fan: Okay.
Ryan: You listen to me, Jets fan. This ain’t your father’s Jets. Your father was a pussy. I’m sorry, son, but it’s true. Hell, these ain’t even your grandpas Jets. These are the fucking Rex Ryan Jets. We’re gonna fucking annihilate those fuckers. Then we’re gonna stomp on their heads. Then we’re gonna eat turkey drumsticks, drink Beam right from the bottle, sing Def Leppard karaoke, and bang 17-year-olds in the mouth. You ready? You gonna do some fucking?
Jets Fan: Well I…
Ryan: YEAHHHHHHHHH, YOU ARE! It’s a new day, buddy boy. WE ARE FUCKING WINNERS. AND SO ARE YOU. STARTING TODAY, YOU ARE A FUCKING WINNER. YOU WALK AROUND WITH YOUR CHEST OUT AND YOUR CHIN UP, AND YOU DON’T TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE, YOU FUCKING GOT ME? IF SOMEONE STEPS TO YOU, YOU FUCKING SLAUGHTER THEM! KILLLLL!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?
Jets Fan: Yes!
Ryan: NOW FUCKING BASH YOUR PHONE AGAINST THE WALL! DO IT! SMASH THAT FUCKER!
Jets Fan: (smashes phone) RAHHHHHHH!!
Wife: What are you doing?
Jets Fan: We’re having sex. Right now. Let’s go.
Wife: Oh, Mickey!
Ryan: YEAH, FUCK HER! KILLLLLL THAT POON! Oh man, I gotta piss like you read about!