V/O: This January… Fox Searchlight Pictures invites you to discover the film critics around the world are already hailing as one of the defining movies of the century. This winter, prepare for a new definition of courage and grit. From acclaimed director Ben O. Russell, comes the incredible true story of one man…
Tommy: THIS IS MY FACKIN’ SHAWT AT A TITLE! I WON’T GET ANOTHAH ONE AFTAH THIS! SOME FACKIN’ DAHKKKIE WILL!
V/O: Tommy O’Leary Fitzkirkgerald Callahan Guinness McFlanagan is…
Tommy: FACK YOU!
V/O: “THE FIGHTER OF THE TOWN.”
Tommy: I am a fackin’ FIGHTAH! And I am from THE TOWN! I DO NAWT GIVE UP! I’M A CITIZEN OF WOODHEAD NATION, AND THAT MEANS I SCRAP FAR EVERYTHING I GAWT!
(mimes boxing for everyone in bar to see)
V/O: No one believed in him…
Tommy: The Red Sawx WILL sign Cahhhhl fackin’ Crawfard and trade far Adrian Gonzalez, and they will fackin’ DAWMINATE!
JackA: Yeah right, cuntsmack.
Tommy: SACK MY CAWK, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT!
V/O: No one took him seriously…
Tommy: I am nawt a stepping stone! NOT LIKE SOME QUEE-AHHBAG NATIONAL LEAGUE TEAM!
V/O: Everyone hated him…
Tommy: Tawm Brady. Deiawn Branch. Wes fackin’ Welkah. Billy Belichick. 12-2. Home field thru the playawffs. NEED I SAY MORE-AH? FOUR-AH TITLES FAR THE PATS! BAWSTON IS FACKIN’ BACK!
V/O: Even his crackhead brother…
Dicky: That’s my brothah! I taught him everything he fackin’ knows.
Tommy: HOLY SHIT! CHRISTIAN BALE IS PLAYIN’ MY FACKIN’ BROTHAH! YOU THINK HE DOES THAT FOR SOME FAGGOT YANKEES FAN? He gives my prawject credibility! And he’s playin’ a crackhead! From Lowell! Ow-ah crackheads ahhhh more-ahhh compelling than your-ahh crackheads! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Dicky: Hey, can I get some crack?
Tommy: No! FACK YOU! I spent all my money on that Bally’s membahship! Look how fackin’ ripped I gawt far this role! Dan Patrick says I could probably beat most heavyweights RIGHT NOW AS IT STANDS!
(walks around shirtless for no reason)
V/O: He fought…
Tommy: I’M A FIGHTAH!
V/O: For his town…
Tommy: THIS IS OW-AH TOWN!!!
V/O: He even robbed a bank…
Tommy: WE FIGHT AND WE RAWB BANKS BECAWSE OW-AH TOWN IS TOUGHAH THAN YOUR-AHS!!! You should have seen the Packahs come in here-ah on Sunday! They KNEW the fans would be awn them! THAT IS WHY THEY LAWST!
V/O: But he never quit…
Tommy: I’M THE ONE FIGHTIN’! NAWT YOU NAWT YOU AND NAWT YOU!
Bartender: This is a bar. You can’t fight here.
Tommy: I WILL SMACK YOUR WIFE IN THE CUNT WITH A BROKEN PINT GLASS!
V/O: See what the critics are raving about. “A MASTAHPIECE.” “FOUR STAHHHHS!” “A FACKIN’ TRIUMPH!” Peter Travers writes: “Never have I seen one Boston actor strain so hard to make Massachusetts look all tough and shit.”
Tommy: What’s the mattah, Awstin Cawllie? WELKAH WOULD HAVE SIX CATCHES FAR 12 YAHHHDS WITH THAT CONCUSSION! BOOK IT!
V/O: “THE FIGHTER OF THE TOWN.” Coming soon to the Natick Mall.
Tommy: GIVE ME MY AWSCAHHHH!!! SOMEONE FINALLY GAWT OW-AH ACCENT RIGHT! IT’S TIME WE GAWT OW-AH DUE!!! HOW LAWNG DO WE HAVE TO SUFFAH?