Ever since I can remember, mascots getting assaulted has been funny. And I’m not talking about the bullshit mascot-on-mascot fights that get staged for amusement. I’m talking about a human being causing pain to another human being inside a plush furry suit, an instance as rare and marvelous as a moment of silence during a Madden-Michaels Sunday Night Football game.
Hollywood indulges us, thankfully. Bull Durham. Ace Ventura. “The Simpsons” (Hey! You’re the guys that didn’t like our capering!). It’s a guaranteed laugh for anyone who likes stupid humor (read: me), because it indulges us in a fantasy we’ll never get to live: beating the ever-living tar out of a mascot with a 30-inch section of lead pipe.
This brings us to today’s draft: which mascot would you most like to beat mercilessly until there was nothing but a broken heap of loose stuffing mingled with blood? I gotta go with a can’t-miss #1 draft pick:
Sure, there are other mascots that are technically more annoying, and I would loath doing anything that resembled a favor to die-hard Pittsburgh fans, but I can’t deny the cathartic release in the symbolism of Steely McBeam’s death by gruesome bludgeoning.
Your turn. Be sure to wait ten picks in between selections, and don’t feel limited to the sporting arena. There are plenty of corporate mascots that oughta be attacked with a hydraulic nail gun. (I’m looking at you, Ronald McDonald.) Just be sure they have some kind of physical representation by a human in costume. So: yes to the Burger King, no to the Taco Bell chihuahua. It’s no fun unless you’re committing actual murder, people.