Dallas Cowboys Glory Holes: A Retrospective

07.30.12 6 years ago 17 Comments

America’s Team has lost its way in the last decade-plus. Most people recognize that, but it still means a lot for Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to say that he pines for the return of the rich Cowboys traditions of the past. Part of that was when the Cowboys were winning playoff games and even Super Bowls. That’s not all of it, though. There’s more to the Cowboys mystique than mere triumph on the field of play.

There were, of course, the world-famous Dallas Cowboy glory holes. In their day, they were something to behold. You just heard the term Dallas Cowboy glory hole, and you knew it was something special. While other teams had glory holes, those Cowboys’ holes were the envy of the sporting world. It’s a shame they have fallen into disrepair. There is cause for hope. Now that the front office is showing commitment to restoring their legacy, perhaps the glory holes will once again be what they were. Let’s examine that once-proud legacy.

The Cowboys of the ’70s favored this glory hole. Like the team itself, it was audacious and loved by many. Danny White was said to frequent it on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times per day in season. Because the hole opened into the Cowboys cheerleaders showers, some have speculated that it served as the inspiration for the glory hole in the movie Porky’s, though that has never been officially confirmed by any of the filmmakers. Tom Landry didn’t like to make mention of the glory hole, but he didn’t object to America’s Hole because he knew it was an effective way for players to blow off steam. Tex Schramm, however, was known to partake every now and again.

When Jerry Jones and Jimmy Johnson arrived in Big D in the late ’80s, they tried to clean house however possible. This included overhauling a lot of long-time Cowboys customs. Among those was the glory hole. Of course, they didn’t get rid of the glory hole so much as revamp it. The new hole was specially made from metal, giving it that sheen reminiscent of the team’s colors.

The Double-J had a similar model installed in his private jet. At the time, he said, “JUST ONE MORE WAY I CAN PUT IT TO SUSAN SKAGGS! YEEEEEEE HAAWWWWWWWW YEW GETTIN’ A MYSTERY PORKIN’ TONIGHT, HUSSY!”

Charles Haley created his own glory holes in all the bathroom stalls throughout Cowboys team facilities. Haley was furious anytime he was in the bathroom and a teammate wasn’t watching him masturbate. He remedied that problem by punching massive holes through the walls of each stall. He made sure the holes were on the larger side. Most glory holes were made with the idea of maintaining anonymity, but Haley’s served the opposite function. He wanted to know exactly who was being forced to watch him beat off. That way he could shout at the teammate throughout the entire ordeal.

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