I’m giving Fun With Peter King the week off this week because it’s Pats Schaudenfreude Day and that means going right to the absolute worst Dan Shaughnessy column I can find and mocking it relentlessly. Keep in mind, Peter King said he moved to Boston in part so he could read Dan Shaughnessy every day, which makes no sense on about 37 different levels. What I like about Dan Shaughnessy is that he doesn’t even TRY to elude every horrible Boston sports fan stereotype we’ve constructed here. He just goes for it, and justifies everything we say about these idiots.
And the best part is when Boston fans come running into the thread to go, “No no! We all HATE Shaughnessy! He doesn’t represent us at all!” Oh, but he does. Stop fighting it, dipshit pseudo-Pats fans. You’re only making it worse for yourself.
Before I get to this enormous pile of animal droppings, a quick report from Christmas Ape, who watched the game yesterday at a Pats bar:
1. Yes, there was a Danny Woodhead chant. One table near where I was sitting, there were three people in Welker, Edelman and Woodhead jerseys.
2. After the Patriots failed the 4th and 13 attempt in the second half, CBS showed in the replay that Welker was open in the flat for maybe a second. Still no chance he converts. Brady throws it and maybe Welker gets five yards before he gets gang tackled.
First guy: “THE FACK! WES WAS OPEN!”
Second guy: “C’mon. We needed a first down. That’s not enough.”
First guy: “But it’s Wes!”
So don’t go telling me Dan Shaughnessy doesn’t represent you, you ten cool and normal Boston fans. It’s YOU who don’t speak for your racist shit-eating counterparts. Now, let’s get to this column, which contains the single dumbest sentence ever written in the English language. I swear it’s true! And it’s not even this one!
The champagne toasts and Duck Boat parades are fun and memorable, but we are Bostonians and sometimes we fixate on the losses more than we celebrate the wins.
We are Bostonians. We are not like other people. We carry a burden with us. A terrible, awful burden. It is our cross to bear. Sometimes, it becomes so heavy that we do not know if we can go on. This… this incredibly disgusting fake self-pity. It is our CURSE, a curse that perhaps began when Babe Ruth was sold to the Yankees for six goats and a bottle of Dr. Ray Cavendish’s Celery Soda and Hair Tonic. It is this curse that perhaps we shall never see broken. BECAUSE WE ARE FUCKING BABIES AND I AM THE WORST COLUMNIST IN THE HISTORY OF FUCKING EVERYTHING EVER.
This one ranks way up there in the pantheon of pain
OW-AH PAIN HAS A HAWLL OF FAME!
— somewhere on the medal platform alongside Glendale, Ariz., in 2008 and…
Oh, here it comes…
Yankee Stadium in 2003.
But wait! That’s only the beginning of Dan using the Red Sox as a way of trying to get indifferent Bostonians who leave the game early to care more about a football game!
The Patriots were shocked by the hated New York Jets, 28-21, in the divisional round of the playoffs at Gillette Stadium yesterday. Less than six weeks after humiliating the Jets, 45-3, on “Monday Night Football,’’ the Patriots saw the curtain fall on their 14-2 season. The much-hyped coaching duel morphed into Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. Grady Belichick.
Oh, I get it! That’s a reference to Grady Little! He’s the one who left in Pedro too long or something, right? I know this because you assholes never stop talking about it even though you won A FUCKING WORLD TITLE A YEAR AFTER THAT HAPPENED AND ANOTHER ONE SOON THEREAFTER. Seriously, you people are like a happily married guy who still bitches about a girl who dumped him four girlfriends ago. Who would do that? A retard, that’s who.
Now say it. SAY IT. SAY WHAT I KNOW YOU WERE BORN TO SAY:
If it makes anyone feel better, Red Sox pitchers and catchers are scheduled to report to Fort Myers, Fla., Feb. 13.
PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS! PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS! A PITCHAH AND A CATCHAH HERALDING THE ARRIVAL OF A REAL SPART! Meaningless preseason split squad baseball games, which mean more to me than an NFL playoff game!
This was not your garden variety postseason elimination. Losing to the Jets is worse than losing to the Lakers.
Can’t get baseball to make you like football, eh? WHAT IF I WERE TO INVOKE BASKETBALL, which is probably your second favorite sport? You have no third favorite sport.
It might even be worse than losing to…
Oooh! Who? Who?
NO WAY! Not the HATED Yankees! They are the Evil Empire! That’s the rivalry that should have its own Bible! IT IS PLAYED IN CATHEDRALS AND PALACES OF WORSHIP, IT’S SO IMPORTANT TO THE BACK BAY NATION!
…and that is because of the lack of class demonstrated by the Jets in the days and months leading up to yesterday’s epic showdown.
NO CLASS! Gregg Easterbrook would be appalled!
We love to poke fun at John Candyesque Rex Ryan, but the Footie outcoached the Hoodie when it mattered.
Ah, local columnist nicknames. They never get old, mainly because they are already 10,000 years old when delivered from the stinking, moldy, freckled uterus of Dan Shaughnessy. You can’t age when you’re already of maximum age.
The Patriots made a bad gamble on a fake punt that backfired badly before intermission and New England’s clock management in the fourth quarter had fans wondering who let Clive Rush back on the Patriots sideline.
CLIVE RUSH! He was our football Grady Little before Bill Belichick became our football Grady Little!
The day got off to a bad start when it was learned that Belichick was benching the wildly-popular Wes Welker.
WILDLY popular Wes Welker. He’s so popular, people become feral animals in his presence. Women want him. Men want to gut him and wear his skin so that his grittiness might be absorbed into their dermis. He’s so popular, he could win the Nashville Star without even participating.
Now, can I PLEASE get some more goddamn Grady Little references shoehorned into this column?
The Patriots needed two scores, but played as if they still had three quarters of football left. There was no urgency, no clock management. The Jets gave New England runs up the middle and the Patriots complied. The Patriots ate eight minutes of clock, and still did not score. It was ridiculous. Sometimes the Patriots are too smart for their own good. This looked like pure arrogance. And it worked out about as well as Grady Little leaving Pedro Martinez on the mound in the Bronx.
GRADY LITTLE! PEDRO! AARON FACKIN’ BOONE! If I have to invoke Buckner to get you to feel something, I will!
Too bad. This was an admirable group.
Why? What was so admirable about it? It was just a fucking football team. It was just as full of shitheads and assholes as any other football team. Oh, but the media adored their approach to how they work with the media, so they’re admirable.
It was a team with 22 undrafted players and 11 rookies.
And being undrafted makes you a good person! TMQ told me so! People who are undrafted are 97% more likely to attend church functions and dress appropriately for formal occasions! I want my children to marry undrafted people.
Now, for the single dumbest sentence ever written. Are you ready for it? No, you are not ready for it. Who can be ready for something this breathtakingly idiotic? Even Dan Shaughnessy was probably not ready for it. He probably typed it out and sat there in disbelief. “No. I cannot have written this. It’s too achingly dumb. I better not touch it, lest it somehow grabs hold of me and tears my face off, which would actually be an aesthetic improvement over my original face.” Are you ready? Are you NOT ready? Here it comes.
There is no fan group more sensitive than Patriots patrons.
What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK? Holy shit, what does that even mean? And “patrons”? What is this, a five and dime? I’m just… I want to cry, this is so awful. BUT THAT STILL WOULDN’T MAKE ME AS SENSITIVE AS CASUAL PATRIOTS FANS. Tread lightly around Pats fans! A single Sara Bareilles song can have them crying for DAYS. They are delicate little flowers, so easily broken by a stray wind or the fact that their coach doesn’t know to kick away with two minutes and two timeouts left. They are so terribly sensitive. They FEEL more than you, America. You cannot know the pain of having to make a Clive Rush reference.
…and those folks now have to live with the fact that New England has lost its last three playoff games.
Oh no! Poor them! It’s as if they went to fight in Nam and killed seven children and now have to deal with that fact for the rest of their lives. The night sweats. The letters they try to write to the families of the dead only to stop halfway through and break down in tears. The endless drives around Lake Winnipesaukee! They won’t ever know peace until death comes! POOR SENSITIVE NEW ENGLAND SOULS WHO HAVE WON THREE TITLES ALREADY! THIS IS YOUR GALLIPOLI!
Go fuck yourself, seasonal Patriots fans. Dan Shaughnessy is a dog’s asshole.