The winner of the Dan Snyder’s New Kicks (hopefully annual) photoshop competition is … me!!
Yes, there were many worthy submissions, however none of you came up with the correct answer, which was Dan Snyder ruining Tokyo’s sh*t. So I took the liberty of submitting a masterful work of photoshop and have thus won the contest. Look at the devastation on their pasty white faces. They look like actual Redskins fans after a game.
Unfortunately, the Uproxx legal team has informed that as one of their writers, I am ineligible to receive the grand prize of the fulfillment of all my hopes and dreams. They, hereafter referred to as “pigf*ckers,” have directed me to award it to one of the LEGIONS of submissions which we received, all of which were totally better than any of the crap on that “Deadspin” site. What does that name even mean?
In any event, our winner is MatthewFuntime for this masterful bit of work, a depiction of a Native American polluting the raw sewage at FedEx Field with Earth Water.
Actually it has to do with the Native American practice known as “Vision Quest.” Per Wikipedia:
A traditional Native American Vision Quest consists of a person spending one to four days and nights secluded in nature. This provides time for deep communion with the fundamental forces and spiritual energies of creation and self-identity. … Usually, a Guardian animal or force of nature will come in a vision or dream and give guidance for the child’s life.
“OH GREAT COOOOCH IN THE SKY, WHY DID MY GUARDIAN ANIMAL HAVE TO BE AN EAGLE?”
Congratulations, Matthew, and well done. Kindly send us your address so we can ship you the grand prize. Please make a check payable to us for $12.95 to cover shipping and handling, and allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.
And now, some honorable mentions:
This one from “eric” NEARLY won it. Simpsons references get you far on this site. This was a particularly solid reference.
There were many submissions depicting Snyder glorying in the suffering of Native Americans, but this one from Hank Scorpios Hammock was probably the best.
He also submitted this fine work. This was not the only Karate Kid reference we received. Here’s David M’s:
David M also submitted the above, which may be my personal favorite.
From Bryan — Dan Snyder didn’t think the Trail of Tears was that bad.
Just in case you needed more Kung Fu Dan, commenter TheSickness has you covered.
And, for those with much darker tastes, here’s Snyder History X from David Terrell’s Balls:
Once again, thank you all for your submissions. You are the real heroes.