Everybody knows Christmas is just some date that was assigned as Jesus’ birthday by Pope Bellicose V to coincide with some pagan winter solstice sodomyfest. But December 24 carries actual significance in the Christian calendar, for it was the day Jesus took a knee for our sins and created the most holy game of football.
Before the advent of the sport, bands of pagans amused themselves by catching fatal diseases, trying soccer and getting bored or playing Scrabulous on Facebook. People were getting restless with this “Son of God” business, saying that if he really was something special, he’d find a way to win in the playoffs after finishing the regular season with 13 wins every fucking year.
In his 20th year, joined by his 12 Apostles, Joe Gibbs, Jon Kitna, Tony Dungy, Mark Brunell, Kurt Warner, Deion Sanders, Adrian Peterson, Mike Singletary, Jason Elam, Tom Landry, Reggie White and Mike Huckabee, Christ did create the continent of North America so that the 13 of them could convene at a field house in Canton, Ohio.
“Behold, my brothers,” Jesus did say. “I give you football.”
He held aloft the oddly shaped object fashioned of cowhide leather but referred to as a pigskin. The Apostles wept as they regarded it. Tom Landry didn’t take off his hat, though, because he was a disrespectful asswipe.
“With this ball, shall ye line up 11 on 11 and attempt to take the ball to the opponent’s end of the Earth.”
The Earth back then was only 100 yards long.
“All that I ask of you is that you thank me for each win and each touchdown and not fault me for losses, fumbles or drive killing phantom holding calls.”
The Apostles agreed to do so.
“However, Man is not yet ready to accept this divine gift. Therefore I will create a race of lesser men to keep the grass of this continent in good shape – well, except Pittsburgh – until a football playing race of men is able to slaughter them and establish a multi-billion dollar league dedicated to bringing it to the masses at exorbitant prices. The Washington franchise will be given a name insulting to this breed of lesser man.”
“One more thing: you should slap each other’s asses while you play it,” Jesus said.
“Really? Slap each other’s asses? What are you, Jesus, gay?” asked Jon Kitna.
“Actually, yes. Yes, I am,” replied Jesus as he tongue kissed Esera Tuaolo.