Dear Miss Jenkins,
Oh, shit damn.
Oh, fuckin’ shit goddamn.
Lord have mercy. Lord got chronic!
I am stoned.
You ever get so stoned that, like, you start remembering shit you had totally forgotten about? Now that I’m in prison, I do that shit ALL THE TIME. Just yesterday, Pookie made some insane kinda crack made outta old rat shit. We called that shit The Secret Of NIMH, as in Now I’s Most High. Anyway, once I smoked it, I started remembering all this crazy ass shit that happened to me. Like, one time, I ate a girl’s butt. No lie. I, like, drilled a hole in her butt with my tongue. That was fucking crazy, man. Tasted like motor oil. Ookie had the ass that day.
Then I remembered Skee Lo. Remember Skee Lo? That little brutha could SPIT! Loved that shit. Then I remembered “Puttin’ on the Hits,” which was, like, that Wayne Brady karaoke show, only it was on way before Wayne Brady decided to become one of those Broadway homos. They had this theme music that was, like, Pu-pu-pu-pu-puttttttin on the HIIIITS! BAHAHAHAHA! That shit was loco, man.
Then I remembered the time I killed that squirrel with a rock. I guess that was the first time I realized I could play quarterback. Shit damn, I musta killed 750 squirrels that summer. PEEP THAT COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, GREG KNAPP, YOU WEST COAST BITCH!
Then I remembered where I had left off in “Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time”. I had just figured out how to play that shit. If you played the right tune, Link got all big. It was, like, music made him grown and shit. Just like the first time I listened to Obi Trice. The fuck is an ocarina? Is it like a flute? A harmonica? A flutonica? That’s some gay ass shit.
Oh shit! I left a pack of Fudge Stripes on the radiator!
Anyway, Miss Jenkins, I was busy getting’ hiiiiiiiiiiiigh when I remembered all the things I did to you back when I was in your second grade class. I remembered the time I cheated on that one test. You didn’t let people use calculators, but I snuck one in my sock. It was solar powered. I liked covering up that solar stripe with my finger. The numbers would fucking disappear! Holy shit! Math don’t work at night!
Then I remembered the time I put that cherry bomb in your desk. Only I didn’t know how to make a cherry bomb, so I just doused a Mon Cheri with gasoline and lit it on fire. That was some sexual chocolate. Then I remembered the time I set fire to your car. Then I remembered the time I saw your bra. Miss Jenkins, you got some tits. Oh man, you got some tits. Oh God. They’re so creamy. Like whip cream on a milk shake. They’re so hot, so fucking hot…
Damn, I just busted in my pants.
Anyway, I’ve had lots of time to think here in prison. I’ve been trying to think of all the things I’ve done wrong. And while I may have made some mistakes, I can say I definitely learned…
Michael Vick! Move on now, son. Move expeditiously!
Oh snap! It’s Principal Joe Clark! And his minions!
They used to call me crazy Joe? Well, now they can call me Batman! Or Crazy Asshole With Bat! Or That Bat Guy! Or Bat Nguyen! Or Batman Crothers!
Oh, Mr. Clark! Please don’t kill me! I will move expeditiously, sir!
Look at you, boy! You smoke rat, don’t cha, boy?!
I dunno. Maybe.
LOOK AT ME, BOY! YOU SMOKE RAT, DON’T YOU?!
Okay! All right! It’s true! I smoked that shit up! I’m so sorry, Mr. Clark!
Why don’t you just jump off the roof, right here and now?
But I can’t get to the roof.
That’s what you really want, isn’t it? Yes, you do. You smoke rat, don’t you, boy? Don’t you smoke rat? Yeah, I thought so. And you know what that does to you? You don’t? It kills your brain cells, son. It kills your brain cells!
They keep my brain in another cell? Holy shit, how’d they do that?!
Now when you’re destroying your brain cells, you’re doing the same thing as killing yourself. You’re just doing it slower! Now, I say if your wanna kill yourself, do it expeditiously! Go on and shiv yourself! SHIV!
No, Mr. Clark! I don’t wanna do that! I want to live! I want to get out of this place and eat Fudge Stripe cookies again, because they are delicious! I want to protect my brain cells so that I can, like, learn new things! Like how to program a universal remote! Or download stuff from bigwetazzes.com! I WANNA LIVE, MR. CLARK! I wanna eat more butts!
You’ll be dead in a year, son. You hear me? You’ll be dead in a year.
No, Mr. Clark! Wait! Don’t go! Please! Don’t go!
Is he gone?
I think he’s gone.
Whew! That was freaky. Pookie gone and made that batch of NIMH too damn strong. TOO DAMN STRONG!
Anyway, Miss Jenkins, you got some fine ass tits.