06.16.08 10 years ago 37 Comments

(envelope flies open)

Dear Mrs. Andre Randall,


How the hell you doin’, honey? It’s with deep regret that I must inform you that your husband, Andre, died this weekend while workin’ on my new Cowboys stadium, THE GREATEST GODDAMN STADIUM YOU EVER DONE SAW! It’s 50 times better than the stadium those faggots in New England play in!

Apparently, your husband died after touching a high voltage line. That makes him the second guy to do that this week. HOLY SHIT! That sounds like a helluva way to go! One second you’re about to take a lunch break, the next: ZAP! You’re a goddamn squirrel fricassee! And here I thought the only high voltage we got exposed here at the new stadium was some of the new, top-notch pussy we got comin’ in for the cheerleadin’ squad! YOU TALK ABOUT ELECTRIFYIN’!

Anyways, the ol’ DOUBLE-J sure is sorry as shit for your husband’s death and any inconvenience it may have caused. Shit, I just figured the only workers we’d lose building this gorgeous, state-of-the-art facility would be a couple of day laborers. AND WHO THE FUCK CARES IF ONE OF THEM GETS THE SHOCKER, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? The only way one of those guy’s families would know something was wrong was if the monthly check didn’t arrive at their village in the rainforest!

Sure does hurt me to lose a local feller. Although, if he’s touching bare power lines, he might not be the sharpest penis in the vagina! Shit, even our fatass retard coach wouldn’t do that, UNLESS HE THOUGHT IT WAS A LICORICE ROPE! What a big fat fuck! Anyway, your husband’s recklessness has helped absolve me of any legal liability for his accident. So really, he did me and the insurance company quite a big favor by bein’ so goddamn dumb. CHEERS TO THAT FUCKER!

Anyway, Mrs. Randall, I’d like to again express my deepest sympathies on behalf of myself and the intire COWBOY family: me, drunken Switzer, Princeton Boy, Other Princeton Boy, Fatty, Pacman, my boy ROMO, my lovely assistant Jennifer, that faggot Aikman, Special Emmitt Smith… all those assholes. I know there isn’t anything in this world that can compensate for the loss of your husband, which is why I’m not sending you any kind of money. That would only cheapen his memory. Instead, I’mma induct your son into the GODDAMN COWBOY RING OF HONOR! HOW YOU LIKE THAT SHIT, SWEETIE PIE?!

Actually, it’s not the official Ring of Honor. This is the unofficial subcontractor ring of honor, which is scratched into the crawlspace behind the new Pot Belly Sandwich Works located near Section 218 on the Loge-level concourse. You ever have one of their sandwiches? GOD DAMN, THEY ARE TASTY! Small, but still pretty fucking good! The Double-J likes himself THE WRECK! Salami, roast beef, turkey, ham, swiss: That thing’s tastier than a Thai girl’s ass! Why, big ol’ Wade would spurt in his Tuffskins if he ever saw one!

In fact, I’d like to present you with TWO $1 coupons for the new Pot Belly Sandwich works that you can redeem when the stadium opens in 2009! No need to thank me. THE DOUBLE-J TAKES CARE OF HIS OWN, DARLIN’! That is some delicious grievin’! I’d also like to extend to you an exclusive invitation to join our season ticket mailing list, provided you pony up the $3,000 waiting list convenience charge.

I’ve also enclosed ONE free ticket to our pregame showdown against those faggots from Houston on August 22nd! Ever seen my boy Romo live? HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! And you can see him up close as he rides the pine while some no-name dipshit scrub takes the field. I’ll be a fucking Louisiana witch doctor before I let my boy ROMO get hurt!

That ticket comes with a $450 convenience charge. We accept Visa and MasterCard. This ticket’s only free provided you buy a six-pack of tickets to every other preseason game. THE DOUBLE-J DIDN’T GET RICH BY BEING A SHITHEAD!

We’ve had an awful lot of troubles at our new stadium site. Your husband died, that one asshole got hit with a crane hook, some other guy fell 20 goddamn feet. And that’s just the shit we made public! One guy’s kid got eaten by the escalator! WHAT A GODDAMN MESS! But I tell ya, when you see this sparklin’ jewel of a new stadium, you’ll agree it was ALL WORTH IT! This place is gonna be a goddamn penthouse, darlin’! We got fountains, and arches, and panels, and glass, and all kinds of crazy shit! Even the shitter looks cool!

So don’t think your husband died in vain. He died a hero! A cowboy! He died doin’ what he loved: installing electricity so that the LED screen at my concession stands work properly! GOD DAMN, THAT IS A RIGHT HONORABLE WAY TO BOW OUT!

Let me ask you somethin’, darlin’: you a looker? Andre was pretty young. You must still be pretty well put together. You come on down to TIXAS Stadium and let the Double-J give you a once over. Even if you ain’t cheerleader material, it never hurts to have some more quality pussy ‘round these parts! I’ll give you a shoulder to cry on, and a lap to grind on! They don’t call my cock “The Widowmaker” for nuthin’!

So sorry ‘bout the dead husband. Hope he gets better. And don’t forgit about my little offer. ‘CAUSE THE DOUBLE-J KNOWS THAT SAD TAIL IS GOOD TAIL! YEEHAW! WOO HOO! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

Warmest Regards,


PS – If you want, Tank Johnson can come to the funeral. My boy TANK just loves goin’ to funerals! Even if it’s for folks he don’t know! What a crazy asshole!

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