Erection Day Bukkake: Hail to the Meast

11.07.06 11 years ago 12 Comments

The media covers sports with more depth and diligence than politics, or for that matter, almost any other issue save non-sports celebrities. And to that we say: thank you muchly. Enlightened democracy? Fuck that. What are you, Canadian?

I mean, elections nowadays only hinge on five or six issues and yet we still can’t keep up. It all eventually boils down to who made the biggest public speaking gaffe. Some wonkish kooks even tried to give it to us in a pleasing package, namely Fantasy Congress. This might be more fun if there were regular injuries or assassinations. There are indictments and occasional convictions, sure, but that’s only when pols get sloppy. All in all, not much of a draw.

The politics of the past have failed. The days when America was content to be governed by the merely obscenely rich and corrupt have passed. Professional football players are more than prepared to be our new ruling class. Our ‘roided, well-heeled platitude-spewing jockocracy. I mean, can Patrick Leahy throw a block? Can Mitch McConnell make an open field tackle? How fast can Denny Hastert run the 40? How are you gonna bang through legislation with someone like Barney Frank? Bills shouldn’t be settled with lame shit like fillibusters and “votes” but a sudden death pickup game on the National Mall, bonus points if you hit the douches playing frisbee or kickball.

Politicians, perhaps sensing the ascension of the footballician, already deal in football-flecked language. Tennessee Senate candidate Harold Ford, Jr. said he just likes football and girls. Throw in beer and we’ll make you president, sir, or, rather, king. King of democracy! John Kerry lost the Packers fans in 2004, but picked up a few Steelers fans, by mispronouncing Lambeau Field as “Lambert Field.” Good thing for the Dems that they have kept him bottled up this time around, eh? Just a few weeks ago, President Bush cautioned the Democrats against “dancing in the endzone” about their assumed electoral victories in this year’s midterm. We appreciate the effort, Mr. President, but the metaphor is imprecise. I would think the Democrats regaining control of one half of Congress after years of irrelevance would be closer to, say, crossing midfield? Getting consecutive first downs? Fielding a punt?

There are more than enough players, former and active, to assume the 435 House seats and the 100 in the Senate. The House can have all the marginal players and the linemen (sorry Madden) and maybe former coaches. The Senate gets the stars and the skill players. They’re prima donna bitches and they need to feel special.

With this in mind, KSK endorses:

Lynn Swann, Republican candidate for governor of Pennsylvania

John Stallworth would probably garner more votes but, as usual, everyone immediately thinks of Swanie. Being able to outjump everyone in the General Assembly is a vital asset. He, Michael Steele and Kenneth Blackwell represent the new, more populous and less crazy blackface (something tells me that’s not a smart term) for the GOP (Alan Keyes being the former standard bearer).

A player of Swann’s caliber would seem to belong in the Pro Football Senate, but Keystone State (they call it the Keystone State, yet insist of being a Commonwealth as well, assholes) politics being what they are, Swann doesn’t meet the batshit looniess standard set by incumbent Sen. Rick Santorum. As I write this, Swann trails in the polls by 20 points, but this should easily put him over the top. No sweat, chief.

Heath Shuler, Democratic candidate for North Carolina’s 11th Congressional District (*sigh*…the fighting 11th…).

A recent feature on The Former NFL Quarterback in The Washington Post contained in its third paragraph the following line: “On a recent afternoon, Shuler is in Canton, just west of Asheville, to give the Pisgah High School Black Bears a pep talk.” Yep, you read it right there: the most statistically improbable four words in the English language.

He’s a “Blue Dog” Democrat, which basically means that he’s an ambitious and ambivalent conservative running in a Red district where the incumbent is already a Republican, so he has to run as what counts as a Dem in the Carolinas, which means pro-war, pro-gun, pro-life, pro-wall, anti-gay, anti-immigration, pro-interception, but, uh, pro-not-fucking-with-Social-Security, hence, totally a Democrat.

Thanks for your consideration and, remember, there’s a two-drink minimum at the polling station. Wear your jersey and you get two votes, I swear. We here at KSK are just doing our part to bring football to the free world, by duress if necessary.

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