When we last left winter weather worrier Mike Florio, his concerns were being countered by our own Mr. Ufford. Now Florio has taken to one of his other homes at the Sporting News to hop up on his soapbox (and a couple of phone books) to expound in long form.
What ridiculous new arguments will he present? Which mid-nineties sitcom will he look to for inspiration? How much does one have to spend for a decent pair of long underwear? Will anyone stop to think of the chilly children? Read on and find out.
NFL takes unacceptable risk with New York Super Bowl
Right off the bat you know that this column is either about terrorism, the weather, or it’s a drawn out excuse to make a George Costanza risk management joke.
When I first heard the NFL was seriously considering staging an open-air Super Bowl in a cold-weather city, I was intrigued.
Well at least it’s not about terrorism.
After further deliberation, the NFL’s decision to hold a Super Bowl in a cold-weather climate with a stadium that has no lid makes us wonder whether plenty of people have lost their marbles.
Fear not, my marbles are safe inside their container. Their lidded container.
The Super Bowl is the single greatest day on the American sports calendar.
For page views.
It needs to be protected from circumstances that can make the experience something other than super.
Any of you who have ever stood for three-plus hours in single-digit temperatures for an NFL game know exactly what I’m talking about.
God, I wish we were talking about terrorism.
Folks familiar with going to outdoor games in cold-weather cities understand how to properly prepare for multiple hours in the hostile elements.
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
But what about the sandal-wearers from California whose idea of a winter coat is a windbreaker with a hood?
Hey brah, the name’s Brody Strawman.
When it’s time for them to pay for tickets that with a face value in the vicinity of $2,000, will they realize that they’ll also need to spend roughly that much more on coats, boots, long underwear, gloves, hats, scarves, hand warmers, and foot warmers?
Holy Bleacher Report! Let’s go to the bullet points…
• Warm clothes don’t have to cost that much money.
• A lot of Californians already own coats.
• You’ll need most of that crap to attend a game in Minnesota or Detroit.
• You know what costs more than clothes? Airfare and a hotel room in New York during Super Bowl week.
• The lead argument in a column decrying the NFL’s decision is about these things.
The message to the customers who’ll be likely paying record-high prices? As the late Peter Boyle playing New York resident Frank Barone would say, “Suck it up, Nancy.”
But at least it was backed up with an Everybody Loves Raymond reference.
Maybe the NFL is hoping to make it “cool” to go to games in bitterly cold weather.
Should Super Bowls only be played in controlled environments?
Would awarding the Super Bowl to Seattle be ‘alt’?
Is Florio also Carles?
But maybe the NFL wants to show it can navigate a nightmare. Imagine the hand-wringing over whether the league can get a concert-quality stage in place for the halftime show, if the snow is falling at a rate of one inch every 10 minutes.
I was told there would be no word problems.
If the NFL can make it look easy even when the conditions are difficult, the league will look even better.
They’re trying to push their limits. Like daredevils!
On a brighter note, there should be no worries about any wardrobe malfunctions.
Remember that night in Houston? Justin Timberlake was wearing a jacket when he tore the tit lid off of Janet Jackson’s long sleeve top.
Look, I love New York.
Based on what he’s seen on Seinfeld and Raymond.
And I love the Super Bowl.
As long as he doesn’t have to wear a hat. They make him look so silly.
But New York and the Super Bowl don’t necessarily mix like peanut butter and chocolate.
Did you know that Kitkat makes a chunky peanut butter version that’s only available in the UK and Australia? That’s BULLSHIT!
If the fans have to suffer through the misery of a cold, windy day at Meadowlands Stadium in February 2014, it’ll be more like a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray.
Which, coincidentally, was the house specialty at the old Giants Stadium.