FJM Time – The Worst Adrian Peterson Column Yet

10.17.13 4 years ago 113 Comments

It really doesn't concern you who this man is banging

Adrian Peterson running away from idiotic sports columnists

For 99% of people, the first though upon hearing that Adrian Peterson’s biological son was beaten to death by his mother’s boyfriend is “that’s horrible, I hope that never happens again.”  But the other 1% of people have sports columns that they need to fill with 800 words so they go into horrible diatribes against a man whose personal life they know almost nothing about in order to play to racial fears of their rapidly aging and conservative readerships.

The first Adrian Peterson Is A Bad Father column came from the New York Post, which is expected. The Post is what would happen if Sean Hannity’s brain had a newspaper. But then today we had one from the Baltimore Sun, who are supposed to be the good guys (at least they are on Season 5 of The Wire). So we had no choice but to go through Susan Reimer’s piece of shit column FJM-style.

Reigning NFL MVP Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings has been criticized for his decision to play in Sunday’s game against the Carolina Panthers despite the fact that a son — that he had only recently learned existed — had died of head injuries consistent with child abuse.

And you’re going to say why that criticism is stupid? Great, nothing to see here. Oh wait, you’re not :(

In the days since the child’s death, it has come to light that the unmarried Mr. Peterson may have had as many as five children by four different women. They include a 6-year-old girl and a 2-year-old boy by his current girlfriend, a 4-year-old with a dancer in a “gentleman’s club” in Dallas and a 3-month-old with a waitress in Minnesota. He is said to be providing financial support to those children.

Hey, good job slut-shaming that dancer! So Adrian Peterson might have multiple children by multiple women that he supports financially. Hey, he’s like a black version of Steve Garvey except for the whole financial support thing!

All of this transpired at the conclusion of a week when the call for the Washington Redskins to abandon a nickname viewed by some as offensive reached fever pitch, culminating in sportscaster Bob Costas‘ self-righteous address, delivered during halftime of Sunday Night Football.

President Barack Obama has suggested that owner Dan Snyder think about changing the name, the league is applying pressure on the team, and any number of sportswriters have said they will not use the name in their reporting.

But, so far, nobody has criticized Adrian Peterson for his careless and cavalier sexual behavior.

Maybe because his careless and cavalier sexual behavior is not the proximate cause of anything newsworthy. Insinuating that he’s at fault for the death of a child he found out about a few months ago is disgusting.

The question we should be asking is not whether Mr. Peterson should have played football Sunday. But whether he should have worn a condom when having sex. Or whether he should be having sex with waitresses and dancers at all.

Yeah, how dare men sleep with waitresses and dancers! Any woman who sleeps with Adrian Peterson should at the very least have a masters degree. One that her parents paid for so she never had to work as a waitress or dancer.

Mr. Peterson is by no means alone. Baltimore’s own adored Ray Lewis has six children by four women and is not married to any of them. The gilded Dan Marino, married father of four, has a child with one of his former network co-workers. The list of NFL stars who are populating the earth without regard to the value of a stable home life for children is as long as a training camp roster.

So you found two men who no longer play in the NFL as examples of the NFL’s paternity problem.  Here’s a thought, why don’t you try and find a study showing that NFL players have nonmarital children in greater numbers than similarly situated non-NFL players before you pretend this is a problem? Oh wait, I forgot that “data” is a four letter word for sports columnists.

And still no outrage from those who would hold football players accountable for so many other sins. It seems that they get a pass because they are supporting the children, made that much easier by their enormous playing contracts. But dollars, while very handy, don’t get it done when it comes to raising children.

How do you know the level of involvement Adrian Peterson has in the lives of his other children?  And keep in mind he found out the identity of the child who just died a few months ago. I know it’s impossible for mouthbreathers like you to feel empathy, but humor me when I ask you to put yourself into his shoes. Do you drive all the way to South Dakota immediately or might you need some time to process that information? Talk it over with the other rich ladies in your Annapolis gardening club.

Real men don’t have to take responsibility for a handful of children they never saw coming because real men wear condoms when they are having sex with women they barely know, women who might be looking for a payday pregnancy.

Yes, men should wear condoms when they have sex. However, sometimes it doesn’t happen for whatever reason. Accordingly, there are many ways a person can choose to address that situation:

  • Having an abortion.  Ideally one that’s safe.
  • Giving the baby up for adoption.
  • Raising the child as a couple.
  • Not raising the child as a couple but with both the man and woman supporting him/her financially and emotionally.

And if you don’t do any of those, then it’s some form of deadbeat parenting. We don’t know what level of involvement Adrian Peterson has in the lives of all his children, so it’s stupid to speculate how good of a father he is. Bad parenting takes many different forms, so assuming that a) Adrian Peterson is a bad father because he doesn’t live with 2 of his children and b) Adrian Peterson would have been a good father if he lived with all of his children is moronic.

Oh, and that’s your second instance of slut-shaming in this article by bringing up the spectre of “payday pregnancy,” which seems to only exist on Maury. Such a great moment for feminism.

These NFL stars are not real men. They are careless adolescents. And the children are the ones who pay for their play.

What does that make you then? At least children have to do research before they hand in a writing assignment.

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