Because my husband and I are in the middle of moving, we’ve been eating a lot of pizza. Lots and lots of pizza. Pizza for-three-days-in-a-row-pizza because the pizza shop messed up our order and put black olives and not green olives on the pizza and gave us a second pizza for free pizza. Because we didn’t book our movers soon enough and apparently Christmas week is the busiest week on the moving schedule, we’re moving our furniture on Sunday morning before football, which means as our Steelers-Packers snack we’re probably going to order a pizza.
Like most sane people, I love pizza. I love $25 12-inch pies from the gourmet shop with squash blossoms and ricotta that was made that morning, I love $2 slices on paper plates. I even love a pizza from some chain places now and again (although that’s not the type of thing you admit in polite company). But as much as we all love pizza, we cannot help but fiddle with each slice and make it our own pizza.
So today, let’s take a break from making our own football foods and order a pizza instead. Because frankly, we’re exhausted.
- Garlic powder – Even a perfect pizza is helped by a dash of extra intensity from garlic powder. Remember the first time you saw a shaker of garlic powder in a pizza shop as a kid or even an adult leaving the midwest for the first time? Glorious. You couldn’t put enough garlic powder on your pizza that night.
- Tapatio Hot Sauce – Probably one of the most balanced of the hotter hot sauces. Doesn’t overwhelm the tomato sauce or the pepperoni.
- Crystal Hot Sauce – Milder hot sauce for when you want a small kick. Also keeps people from Louisiana quiet about the hot sauce you have around because lordy me do people from Louisiana like to talk about hot sauce and you need something beside of sixer of Dixie and dime store beads to shut them up.
- Jalapeño Tabasco Sauce – An even milder hot sauce. Good for when the pizza just needs a smidgen of something extra and garlic powder might throw the whole thing off. (Although it is really good with garlic powder on pizza.)
- Garlic Salt – So the pizza shop you ordered from used some rather bland, tasteless cheese. Garlic salt will help hide this sin.
- Grated Parmesan – And now you have a sandy pizza, although it is helpful when your pizza is on the greasier side and you need something to help sop up the extra oil.
- Peperoncini/banana peppers – If you want your pizza to taste like vinegar and regret, who am I to judge?
- Matouk’s Hot Calypso Hot Sauce – Submitted by KSK Contributor Trevor Risk. While I haven’t tried this hot sauce on pizza, on paper a super hot sauce with a touch of sugar sounds promising and we’ll trust Trevor has good taste.
- Salt – Man, this cheese is pretty bland, isn’t it?
- Sriracha – That’s fine. No one wanted to actually taste the pizza anyway.
- Papa John’s Sauce – Pretty gross, especially since the pizza you are eating is from Dominos.
- Dried Oregano – Might possibly be a shaker full of pencil shavings.
- Onion Powder – You have onion powder but not garlic powder? When was the last time you went to the store?
- Cholula Hot Sauce – This one got a few votes from the other KSK staffers, but not a sauce I like on pizza. A little too thick and hard to evenly distribute on a slice.
- Red Pepper Flakes – Why even bother having a pizza? You can put hot pepper flakes on anything — pizza, mashed potatoes, Peyton Manning’s forehead — and it’s just going to taste like red pepper flakes.
- Black Pepper – So how is dorm life these days? Beds still too short? Roommate still hooking up behind his girlfriend’s back? What is that smell? Did you try cooking meth in your hot pot?
- Napkins – Never trust anyone who blots their pizza with paper napkins.
- Ranch Dressing – I’d insult this choice but food-shaming is a terrible thing to do and will probably cause you to fall into some sort of depression where you put even more ranch dressing on your pizza to drown out the pain. But seriously, stop that.
Honey – We shall not name the KSK Contributor — fine, it’s Old James — who said he dips the crust of pizza in honey. When Pizza Hut reveals their new Honey Crust Pizza, I hope he makes millions.
Extra Oregano – Code for a nickel bag of weed from one of the local pizza shops when I was in college.
And the Memorial RobotsFightingDinosaurs I Can Eat Pizza Like This Because I’m In My Early 20s Pizza Topping List (in no particular order):
Trader Joe’s Hot Sauce
Totino’s Pizza Rolls
And yes, he made that. Cannot wait to follow him around with a bottle of Dairy Ease pills when he turns 35.