You Fools! Don’t You See Your Heteroball Is Already Doomed!?

05.15.14 4 years ago 73 Comments


By now, you’ve seen that my Oprah Winfrey Network has acquired the rights to produce a documentary series on the life of Michael Sam as he prepares to become the first openly gay player in the NFL. That’s right – not might – he WILL become the first openly gay player. I know it to be true and it will play out entirely according to my design.

The reverberations from the announcement yesterday were telling but incomplete, for those objecting did not understand the full scope of this scheme. Indeed, OWN will produce the series, but, thanks to my near limitless resources and influence, the documentaries will be simulcast on all major networks and the Internet. The Michael Sam series will be beamed into tens of millions of homes across the country and perhaps hundreds of millions throughout the world. There will be no avoiding it. It will dominate the news cycle for an entire summer!

That’s okay, you tell yourself, ultimately the series won’t be vastly different from another show about football players struggling to make it at the margins of NFL rosters – the beloved “Hard Knocks”.

That’s where you’re wrong! This series won’t focus on Oklahoma drills or two-a-days or any of the other football-first things you might expect from an athlete hoping to win a job. No! Wrong again! Instead, the entire series will be footage of Michael Sam tongue kissing his boyfriend Vito in front of heterosexual couples and their children in various private settings. In churches! In schools! Sometimes they’ll even break into homes and start making out while the family attempts to eat dinner.

Oh, the discomfort it will sow.

Players from across the NFL will take to Twitter and Facebook to register their disgust and outrage throughout social media. One by one, they will be swiftly suspended or released, lest the league appear intolerant, which no billion dollar entity can afford in this day and age. Any organization that dares question otherwise will be confronted with the full force of my media empire, not to mention Vito’s Midwestern mob ties, because the Midwest has a mob now, apparently.

There will be no one to stand in the way of Michael Sam playing in the NFL. He will instantly become a starter and eventually the biggest star in the history of the sport. And you will thank me for it, as you always do.

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