Football Is Dead. All Hail Two-Hand Nerf-Powered Queefball

10.19.10 7 years ago 108 Comments

What fools we were. Thinking all along that it was a standoff between the players’ union and the owners that was going to ruin the NFL. No, it’s going to be the work of Little Nancy Non-Football People (Millen’s words) trying to dilute the innate toughness of the game all for the sake of people not getting permanently maimed. HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN SO BLIND?

Anyway, it only took a couple generations of players becoming slobbering wrecks in old age as well as a litany of studies that produced the startling conclusion that head injuries do not in fact make males more virile later in life for the NFL to do something about protecting its players from concussions. Just kidding. It was all the result of the TINDERBOX OF DEATH THAT WAS WEEK 6. Prior to Sunday, we had no idea helmet-to-helmet hits could be a problem. But now they are worse than 12 types of cancer and we must stamp them out immediately.

What will the NFL do? Besides overact horribly and ruin the sport? Read on and discover the pussifying rule changes (Millen’s words) to come:

All players must wrap heads in bubble wrap.

Safeties may only corral ball carriers with medium-sized butterfly net.

Middle of the field now ruled out of bounds

Instead of playing games, Yahoo fantasy football projection will be used to determine outcomes.

Defenders must make eye contact with ball carrier before hitting him.

Suspension handed out anytime a hit makes Ross Tucker erect.

Players may only launch ass-first at quarterbacks beyond the line of scrimmage.

James Harrison HANGED as a message to other players.

All Steelers suspended to send a message that no players should be Steelers.

Annual speech from Merrill Hoge on the dangers of potato purple jump sweater.

Every player issued team mascot head in lieu of helmet.

Concussed players no longer allowed to be told to “suck it up” before being forced to return to action.


Freeze Tag rules implemented

“Defenseless receivers” to receive motorcade escort over the middle.

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