Hello. I’m Roger Goodell, commissioner of the National Football League. I just ran twelve sets of hills and did 50,000 burpees after lunch, so I apologize if I’m a bit short of breath. No one pays me to work out, you see. I do it for my own well-being. I think it’s important to note that for some of our younger Play 60 participants.
I wrote an article today for the Wall Street Journal in reaction to Judge Susan Nelson’s ruling on our current labor situation. I detailed the terrible future awaiting our sport should the players prevail in this work stoppage. Everything you know about football – from the games to the highlights to the beer at your tailgate – ALL of it is in grave danger thanks to this ruling.
But, due to editorial constraints, I wasn’t able to give WSJ readers a full vision of this frozen, player-led deathscape. That’s why I’d like to use the space here now to tell you about some of the OTHER things that await us… now that Nelson has spread her legs and ejected her afterbirth of a ruling from her Communistic nether regions.
• No more fantasy football. Without a union, individual players would be free to sue for their likenesses to be taken off of mass market fantasy games like those on NFL.com, and ESPN, and Yahoo! Now you think about how happy you’d be if you couldn’t draft Ryan Mathews in your 12-team league. I know I’d be pissed.
• No more coaches. With leverage on their side, players could file an injunction against the presence of coaching supervision on each team. Think of it. Think of players out there FREELANCING, trying to get by without the guiding hand of Norv Turner, or without Andy Reid to help them manage the clock. Think about how quickly our game would devolve.
• No more games on the weekends. The players could sue en masse to get weekends off, which is a traditional union request. Which means we would have to play games on Tuesday, or Wednesday, or even Frursday, which comes between Thursday and Friday and happens often while you are asleep.
• No more personal conduct policy. Under our old agreement, I had the authority to do what was best for the League by suspending the likes of Pacman Jones, Michael Vick, and that one white guy. I won’t have that ability now. Think of what that means for you and your loved ones. Think of all the drunken, reckless, pussyhungry NFL players out there, with no deterrent to keep them from succumbing to their most evil urges. Do you want your daughter walking the streets knowing they could be out there – lurking, preying, ready with their very large NFL-sized penises – ready to take her? They keep odd hours, you know. They’re awake when you’re sleeping. I can’t do anything about it now. I’M POWERLESS TO STOP THEM. THEY WILL COME FOR YOUR BABIES AND KNIFE THEM IN THE EYE.
• No more playoffs. Too hard on the players bodies. We’ll have to go to the BCS formula. You know that will happen, don’t you? I can’t stop it. I’m just a commissioner. CAN YOU STOP IT?!
• No more beer at the stadiums. Think players want to hear your drunken catcalls all game long? No way. No, they’re gonna SUE your team for the right to work in a friendly environment, without unruly fans. So say goodbye to your FREE SPEECH rights. Say goodbye to your chance to tell Philip Rivers he was born from an otter cunt as he’s walking out of the tunnel. That’s gonna be against the law now. YOU WATCH.
• No more cheerleaders. Jerry Richardson wants to stop using them, merely out of spite. YOU SEE WHAT THE PLAYERS MADE HIM DO?
• No more dignified end zone celebrations. We won’t be able to penalize or fine players for excessive celebrating. That means YOUR CHILDREN could be subject to any number of repulsive displays of gyration and/or pantomiming. Picture it now: All those savage, unruly players… doing anything they please in the end zone. Dancing around like lemurs. Making outward passes at your wife. Teaching your daughters to bump n grind. PUTTING THEMSELVES ABOVE THE GAME YOU LOVE. Provided you still love it, of course. Jim Nantz quit an hour ago.
• No more drug-free games. They’ll be able to take any drug they want now: steroids, HGH. NO ONE has ever been allowed to do this in the NFL before. We could see players grow to inhuman sizes, their brains mangled by years and years of drug cycling, their rapiness increased seventeenfold. Think it can’t happen? SUSAN NELSON JUST UNLEASHED 1,500 SHAWNE MERRIMANS ON THE WORLD.
• No more America. Of course, it won’t be long before these unsupervised players find a way to storm the US Capitol and assume command. After that, the country you and I grew up in won’t exist anymore. It’s a shame, really. My father was a Senator for this nation. Did you know that? HE WAS A SENATOR. DIGNITY.
These players will take over the White House and then they will orchestrate a campaign of bloodshed and forced intercourse that you will have never seen. Bodies will line the streets. Children will be torn from their families and sold as food. Gas and water will become sole property of the ruling steroid elite. THE NATIONAL ANTHEM WILL BE REPLACED WITH A YOUNG JEEZY SONG.
Is that what you want, America? Is all that worth PLAYING FOOTBALL AGAIN? I say no. I’d rather miss a million seasons than see that happen, and I bet you would too. So join me in supporting your local NFL owners. Stand up to these greedy, horrible players, with their garish suits and their fake gold teeth. YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE FOR A FUTURE FREE OF RAPEASAURUSES.