From The Offices of Rep. Shuler

05.07.08 10 years ago 39 Comments


My name is Heath Shuler. I represent North Carolina’s 11th congressional district.

My scabs taste like honey mustard sauce.

I was taken by the Washington Redskins with the 4th overall selection in the 1995 NFL Draft.

I am a superdupergate.

As such, it is my responsibility to choose who will be our party’s nominee for the presidency.

Yesterday, the voters in my state sent an overwhelming mandate that the Democratic Party should be represented by Barack Obama in the general election.

That’s when I pulled something out of my patented bag of quarterback tricks and called an audible.

I sold my vote for Fun Dip.

During my days with the Redskins, there was this one game where I threw six interceptions. Worse than the usual five. President Bill Clinton was at RFK with First Lady Hillary Clinton, First Daughter Chelsea Clinton and a bunch of cool people who weren’t Gus Frerotte. Is he still in the league? Well, I’m still in Congress. Incumbency is harder to lose than a starting job!

Anyway, the president told me story about the time he met RFK’s brother and I laughed because stadiums don’t have families. Chelsea helped me get over the loss by offering Fun Dip. she must have remembered I liked it when she showed up in my office yesterday asking me to lick the powder off her breasts. She even gave me one extra package.

I will now spend the remainder of my term trying to open package.

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