Peter King loves his numbers and statistics, but sometimes it’s hard to figure out where he pulls some of his more esoteric percentage probabilities from when working out the odds on your own. Since it’s probably been a few years since your last PK Math 101 course — which you shamefully took pass-fail as not to hurt your GPA, we thought you could use a refresher.

As you can see above, the important number in Richie Incognito’s chances of playing on another team is the ocelot, not the snow leopard as commonly used in this particular formula. Do not forget to factor in the time difference between Green Bay and New York when determining the number of texts sent in a twenty-four hour period in the denominator as it will throw off your calculations at least a good 3-4 percent.

Like most New Yorkers, Peter King naturally assumes he has a pretty good grasp on the universe (easy to do when you live on an island not much bigger than Torrance), so you need to account for how much late-night reading one has done in addition to some random Boston and baseball facts, because nothing makes for a more knowledgable human being than Massachusetts roots and a love of baseball. Just ask current MENSA president, Dan Shaughnessy.

Now a few equations to work out on your own:

- How do we determine the loftiness of a 28 year-old quarterback going into his first contract season?
- What is the ratio of surviving 1972 Dolphin players to common dolphins in the Florida Keys?
- How many nuggets are needed to build seven things only Peter King finds interesting?

Don’t worry. We will be grading on the curve of how many Bings there are per second searching for “Why are there an average of 76 things in 10 things I think I think?”

but sometimes it’s hard to figure out where he pulls some of his more esoteric percentage probabilities fromTEACHER! MR. KOTTER!!! CALL ON ME!!!!!!

It’s weird to realize that half the Sweathogs were gay, and half are now dead.

And not even all of the gay ones. What are the odds of that? Mr. King?

Yeah, I would have expected more than half of them to be gay.

Especially hypocritical since he was one of the first rush to judgment assholes about Bountygate.

I always left the ocelot out of the equations in school.

I hope that ocelot’s name is Babu.

@ UU – can it be anything else?

Serpentine! Serpentine!

Fox-eared assholes, the lot of them.

From a distance all ocelots look the same, no offense.

I knew this was here, but I made my own post anyway.

[www.youtube.com]

/obligatory

It’s like Meowschwitz in here.

LANAAAAAA! HE REMEMBERS ME!!!!

This is slander! Peter King is a well-respected, tenured professor of mathematics at Bovine University. He doesn’t have to respond to this sort of tripe.

Disagree. Peter King is a Grade A moron.

I see what you did there

Peter King: Fox eared asshole.

not elen ocerot!

How many nuggets are needed to build seven things only Peter King finds interesting?Only one nugget, the recipe of which follows: Mix 1 part nutmeg lasagne, 1 part venti caramel pumpkin peppermint macchiato with skim milk, 2 cups of Allagash White, 1 cup Pedroia sweat, 1 heaping tablespoon of self-righteous obliviousness, 1 teaspoon slightly veiled racism, 2 tablespoons liberal white guilt, 10 king-size partially melted Kit-Kats, one large bag of equivocations, and one large bag of dicks in a large Evoshield-brand helmet. Allow mixture to firm for the duration of one Acela quiet car ride from New York to Boston. Shape the mixture into a large ball with your hands, imagining it is Rog’s firm lats while doing so. To garnish, roll in a mixture of Bailey’s ashes and Brett Favre’s discarded Skoal. Slice and serve cold to the high number of dipshits that inexplicably ask for it every week.*

*For addition recipes, search the internet for obvious sports facts using Bing by Microsoft

I don’t know what pharmaceuticals you’re using this morning, but I definitely want a sample.

/Also, excellent komment.

COTW nom

I am currently in Wichita, how does being in a totally neutral area effect the equation?

^This.

“I DON’T KNOW!” – PK

MAYBE!!?? 30b% Legit.

You must now DIVIDE by the Ocelot…or else time continuum stops or starts or some such shit. But please understand that Wichita is the only place on the planet that PK’s articles actually make sense…

We all know that every Peter King equation must end with being divided by the “What a Country” factor, which is quasi-importance-esque. MAYBE.

It adds the common PK variable: Weirdness. Also, please divide by the delightfulness of your Mr. Starwood Preferred Traveler of the Week nugget.

“We will be grading on the curve of how many Bings there are per second ”

So there won’t be a curve?

I’m going to have to make quasi-legit guesstimations on these. Do I have to show my work?

I have the syllabus in front of me for PK Math 101-002 course.

“When determining your grade, follow these 10 steps:

1). Add up your points earned.

a). Double check your math.

2). Add up the total possible points available.

a). No need to copy edit here. It’s correct.

3). Divide by the current temperature in the New Meadowlands.

4). Calculate the current odds of a game played in Wichita Stadium.

a). Do they have a Starbucks?

b). What’s their policy on using recycled cups?

5). Multiply Dustin Pedroia’s number by the number of WS titles the Red Sox have won with him.

6). Determine the circumference of Peyton Manning’s head.

7). Add the number of times you’ve watched Brett Favre’s Wrangler Jeans ad.

a). Hint: Number should be at least 4 digits.

b). Or 5 digits.

c). 7 digits if you want bonus.

8). Did you ride in the Quiet Car this semester?

a). If N/A, why not?

9). Add any bonus nuggets you’ve earned mentioning:

a). Tony Dungy

b). Mike Florio

c). Sally Smith (She just got married. Congratulations, Sally!)

d). NBC Studios

e). Subtract any times you’ve credited theMMQB.si.com to SI.

10). Multiply your grade from the “Grande Nutella-Nutmeg Latte” final by 4, 18 and 12.

This formula should determine your lofty grade. I think. Maybe.”

This komment, I like it very much. I’ll be using “Congratulations, Sally!” around the office just for kicks.

The rest of the syllabus is a 12,000 complaint about the coffee in the Math department’s lounge

This can’t be right. There are actually 10 items listed.

@Packman, It’s been on a downhill slide ever since they replaced the regular creamer with powdered creamer and started putting the bowl of Kit-Kat’s in the fridge.

Spackler is right. This is excellent work but the numbering is all wrong – should read:

“1. Add up your points earned.

a. Double check your math.

B. Add up the total possible points available.

Ba. No need to copy edit here. It’s correct.

C2. Divide by the current temperature.

C2a/b. In the Meadowlands.

etc.”

Otherwise, full marks.

People forget that Peter King is 100% a racist even before root-root-rooting for the SAWX.

I always leave out the ocelot, since I’VE NEVER SEEN AN OCELOT!

Sports PK’s vanity project is called MMQB, but it should be called Buyer’s Remorse…at least by SI.

You must understand the new media model. It goes something like this:

1. Add comments section.

2. Add slideshow.

3. Wait for the CLICK CLICK CLICK.

4. PROFIT PROFIT PROFIT

His formula is screwed because he forgot to factor in the game time temperature at a Super Bowl played in New York. The correct answer is dog, maybe.

I can only assume that PK wrote the “knowledge is known” tweet while getting baked out of his head with Don Rumsfeld.

He knows exactly where Incognito will sign…it’ll be in Wichita and the areas north, south, east, and west of there.

are these real tweets? I mean, this seems too meta for the lardnugget

It’s quite clear that PK had a very talented professor in his math classes.

[cdn.uproxx.com]

“What is the ratio of surviving 1972 Dolphin players to common dolphins in the Florida Keys?”

Whatever the ratio is, it’s too goddamn large

I love you.

Amen!

/laces fizzy wine with ricin

THIS PETER KING, I CALL HIM THE CITY OF DENVER, BECAUSE HE’S FULL OF NUGGETS, IN LOVE WITH PEYTON MANNING AND IS PROBABLY HIGH MOST OF THE TIME

Peter King would eat the doobie before loudly declaring, “THERE’S A LEGIT-70% CHANCE I’M HUNGRY, MAYBE!

Great job, but I would amend to say “FULL OF NUGGETS AND CRAFT BEER”.

Not really; I just stood up too fast.

Sarah, you ignorant slut. (SNL reference, not slander, before I’m murdered by an orangutan with a fake beard)

You clearly forgot to take the Nutmeg Principle into account. And if the Quiet Car Transitive is broken by the Teenager/Cell Phone Collusion, that principle is multiplied three fold thanks to the Useless Barista Paradox!

I thought the Nutmeg Principle was like the Peter Principle.

Wait, PK is named Peter like the Peter Principle….

WEIRD

And PK is one letter off from BK, which is short for Burger King, and OK. BK’s nuggets are OK.

UBER-WEIRD

The nutmeg principal is more of a coefficient – it is relative to the mean age of the number of barista’s who use disposal cups while respecting the sun and going through something emotional during a 7th inning stretch while “Sweet Caroline” is being played.

Maybe.

If 45% of all knowledge is already known, are we just a couple thousand years from knowing everything? What if we get to 99% and discover a new planet with new beings? That would suck to go back to 45% again.

Ocelot!

[www.youtube.com]

PK is a fox-eared asshole.

“Chances of a cut Richie Incognito finding a home down stretch in 2013”

I’d say those odds are directly proportional to whether he’s had an encounter with a Mohel in his life.

The chance that Incognito lands a job increases by 10% if he uses the performance-boosting family of products from Evo-Shield.

“How do we determine the loftiness of a 28 year-old quarterback going into his first contract season?”

Trick question. You cannot know loftiness without having a precise ‘grit’ rating, which is of course determined as follows:

skin color + precociousness x menchiness / glory boyism

*[i]writes ‘fuck this shit, I’m going home’ in answer space[/i]

I can’t believe I forgot my basic HTML. What the fuck

I guess PK got that crazy awesome math knowledge from Prof. Brian Fantana.

I’m PK damnit, I don’t use math, that’s what interns are for. Why should I have ethics now, never did before.

How many nuggets are needed to build seven things only Peter King finds interesting?

/sticks hand in butt

/feels around for number

/pulls number out of butt

42

Math is hard.