Strange as it may sound, before this momentous signing happened, I had already been thinking about Gawd. After the Reject Soviet Sand Dahhhkies bowmbed the Marathon, I was at a lawss. My whole worldview was shaken. It felt like there was nothing good left in the world.
[Gets BAHSTON STRONG airbrushed on the side of his car in Red Sox font]
But when I saw THE MIGHTY B’S OF ICE SAWX NATION rally from the brink of being eliminated by a pack of maple dick Canadians to the do-ahstep of yet another Cup, I knew it was a sign from above. Gawd sawr how much Bawston suffahed and how we persahvered. He was in ow-ah cornah once again. HE OWED US FOR OW-AH PAIN! WE EARNED GAWD’S RESPECT WITH OW-AH GRIT AND DETERMINATION IN TIMES OF STRUGGLE!
[Blasts “My Sacrifice”]
It only makes sense that Tebow came he-ah. Sure, the jokahs will have their laughs, but deep down everyone knows this is anothah classic case of the PAYTREEUTS being smartah than everybody. Belichick knew the only thing capable of canceling Tebow’s mystical Jesus powers was THE FACKIN SINFUL CAWKSUCKING NEW YARK FAGGOTS. That’s why he was useless awn on the Jets. The rest of the league was too blind to see, but nawt Billy B. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
I was talking about this yesterday at the strip club when someone said to me, “But Tawmmy, how is Boston any mo-ah spiritual than New Yark?” I just had to elbow him in the teeth for his ignorance. We ahhh an undahrated holy land. The Catholic roots he-ah run deep. It’s impahtant to note that Catholicism is oldah than othah types of Christianity and therefore bettah. Sure, it has a bunch of stupid saints nobody cahhhs about and priests who guzzle kiddie dicks, but remembah that yo-ah faith was ow-ah faith first.
You wouldn’t know it, but there’s a lawt we can teach Tebow about Jesus.
[Only been to church in the last five years for court-mandated AA meetings]
Best of awl, the media has to feel good fo-ah us when we win, because we give them precious Tebow material to yack on about. Back in the days of the Pats juggahnawt of 2007, people used to get on ow-ah case fo-ah running up the score0ah. Nawt anymo-ah! When Timmy Tebow comes in to put up the last 10 points in a five-score-ah victory, the Paytreeuts will be praised throughout the land.
I’m already excited for this. Just look at Belichick! He’s shooting dusty troll cum in his draws. He can’t contain his excitement fo-ah awl the FACK YOU TOUCHDOWNS he’s gonna put on the Jets with ow-ah new VICTORY CIGAH BACK! I bet Tebow gets five against the Jets and the Broncos. Then we put Tebow in own defense to knock out that traitorous honorary dahhhkiiee, WELKAH. The media will never cawl him dirty! Belichick knows this! It’s all paht of his master plan.
Did I say his master plan? I meant GAWD’S MASTER PLAN. BECAUSE WE AHHHH GAWD SAWX NATION FROM THIS POINT FAHHWAHHHD!