We Have All Been This Giraffe: The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag

05.30.13 4 years ago 65 Comments

Hello. Welcome to the KSK mailbag. Here is a giraffe trying to have sex with another giraffe. It does not go well. We’ve all been there, Giraffe Bro. (thanks to internet buddy/Uproxx impresario Danger Guerrero for sharing this video)

And now for your emails. Some of you are doing better than the giraffe. Others… not so much. Read on!

Dearest Caveman,
Sex (kind of): Next month, I’m going to India for 3 months to volunteer there, know no one in the country, and have never been there before. Do you have any suggestions for meeting interesting people to talk to/court/get to know (biblical-sense) in a foreign country where you have a different skin color from everyone else? The catch is, I would preferably like to return to America with at least most of my money and health intact.

If it were me, I’d try to tap into the expatriate culture. I googled “american expats mumbai” and got several pages that connected Americans abroad (plus 12 rules for expat life in Mumbai, which seems helpful). Any large city will have an expat niche for you that will open the door to locals and the more — ahem — “liberal” women.

Weddings: one of my close group of college friends girls is getting married next month right before I leave school. I need to know what the minimum that I need to spend on a gift for her is. Possibly relevant information (omit as you like):
-My parents are also coming to this wedding, and I will split a gift with them
-I don’t like the guy that she’s marrying
-We’re not as close as we used to be, and I don’t REALLY care if we fall out of touch over the next few years (we just don’t have that much in common anymore)
-She’s being super cheap about the wedding in general

That said, I don’t want to be an asshole…I’m just looking for a ballpark of how much I should spend (keeping in mind that I’m about to be poor, because of the previous question, and then grad school starting in the Fall).

Let your parents do the heavy lifting here. If you’re fresh out of college and going to a wedding with your parents, freeload away. Write something nice in the card and give your parents $20. This is one of the last few times where freeloading is not just socially acceptable, but almost expected.

Thanks for the help…please accept this picture of my favorite professional Latin dancer as penance (her name is Dasha).
-Torque [Construction Noise] Lewith

I should note here that the original email had no attachment or link to said Dasha (full name: Daria Chesnokova). And googling “Dasha” doesn’t give you this Dasha, but another Dasha who’s in a more explicit line of work. The lesson: if you are going to forget to attach whichever picture of an attractive person you want me to see, please give me a first and last name to work with.


Fantasy football: I just need an opinion on something. Our Fantasy league has larger rosters than most. The standard roster size is 15 players, but we have 17. This is likely to make up for the fact that, in addition to the standard 1 QB / 3 WR / 2 RB / 1 TE setup, we have both a flex wide receiver / running back slot AND a flex wide receiver / tight end spot.

That’s bananas.

Last year, we had 10 players, so this wasn’t too bad. The talent pool at WR was thin, but there were enough to go around. Next year, however, we’re going to 12 players but keeping the same roster size, and I think the lack of depth is going to make the league less fun. 17 roster spots, with the two flex spots, means that there aren’t enough decent players to go around — every week, basically every team will be stuck playing some nominal backup TE/RB or fourth receiver, any of whom might be lucky to get more than a touch or two.

The other side says that playing these no-name players and having to dig and research these fringe guys is part of the fun of fantasy football. I can see that argument but I just don’t think it’s fun turning the game into what amounts to basically football-themed Deal or No Deal, just sticking some random player nobody’s heard of on the board and maybe once in a while you might snag a lucky touchdown.

Who do you side with?

I’m on your side. In my oft-cited favorite league, we have 12 teams, each with 16 roster spots for 10 starting positions (1 QB/3 WR/2 RB/1 TE/1  flex/K/D). And let me tell you, that third WR or flex position can get LEAN. Throw in byes, and you get weeks where it’s like, “Which team’s shitty fourth receiver can get me 40 yards? I hope this third-down back can get 10 touches!” It’s fun because it’s a competitive league (and my complaints are somewhat mitigated by a 0.5 PPR), but the waiver wire is something out of The Road.

That’s with 192 roster spots in the league. Your proposed settings would have 204 players on rosters. What does that mean? Well, pull up a mental snapshot of any waiver wire you’ve ever looked at. Now take away the 12 best players.

You will live in a world where no one drops Davone Bess, ever. No fucking thank you.

Sex: I’m in a great relationship right now. We love spending time together (so much that we recently moved in together, which has gone really well) and I have very few complaints about any aspect of our relationship… except for our sex life.

When we first started seeing each other, we had a lot of sex. Almost always at least once a day. Then, maybe a month after we started getting serious, she started taking birth control, not only to prevent pregnancy but also to deal with other female problems. Our sex life really fell off after that. We have sex maybe once or twice a week now, and there’s never any kind of sub-coital screwing around apart from that, either.

This is the first time I have ever seen the word “sub-coital.” My world is richer now.

At the beginning, I would try anything I could to get things started, but after a certain point, it got too frustrating to be constantly rejected, so I basically don’t try anymore unless she’s very clearly into the idea as well. I’ve expressed my concerns to her, and she says she feels the same way — that she wishes she were in the mood more often, but that she doesn’t feel it very often and she thinks it’s the birth control. (She’s notably friskier during the monthly placebo pill regimen.)

I’m at the point where I want her to quit taking the birth control. I’d gladly return to condom-wearing, absurdly careful habits if it meant having sex more often. She’s open to this idea but doesn’t want to give up the “her-time-of-the-month” benefits. (I can hardly blame her — if I were bleeding from the groin once a month, I’d want it to be over as quickly and with as little leakage as possible.)

The sex is still very good when we do have it. And I love this girl; I don’t want to break up with her or anything so that I can possibly have sex more often with somebody else. But it is really frustrating to me, and I’m not really sure what else to do. We’ve talked about it plenty but we always kind of end up in the same place: It sucks, but the benefits of the pill outweigh the negatives.

I understand that almost all couples have less sex as the relationship matures, but doing it once a week seems very married-with-three-kids-ish to me. What would you do in my situation?
Verbosely yours,

There are multitudes of different birth control pills. I know it’s called “the pill,” but there are like 400 different companies that sell it with different amounts of… whatever goes into the pill. Hormones and egg-blocking magic, I guess. A lot of women try several different brands before finding one that matches their own particular chemistry. See if your girlfriend will talk to her gyno about using a different brand.


Dear CC,
FF: I’m starting a new job next week. At 34 I’ll be the youngest guy there. Any advice on starting a FF league with a bunch of old bastards?

Explain computers to them. Once they’ve become accustomed to email, you can send an email that says, “I’m starting a fantasy football league. Anyone interested?”

Sexy time: I’ve been married for 6 years, so I figure I’m about done; right? I keed, I keed!

I normally think my wife is “all that” but after our most recent ‘disagreement’ I felt something change in me. We don’t fight often (maybe 2-3 times per year) but hot damn can they be brutal. I usually try to empathize with her feelings, but she tends to get more abstract and then begins saying things that really hurt. This usually results in a 3 day period of silence and uncomfortable in the house, followed by a tearful apology from her, then hugs and sex.


The source of the fight is always something stupid and it’s always instigated by her. For example, one fight started because she said that I didn’t buy enough vegetables when I went grocery shopping; another because of the color of paint that I wanted to paint our basement. Any of these fights could easily be handled with a simple conversation, but she always chooses to escalate.

Or maybe you should BUY SOME FUCKING VEGETABLES! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET THE VITAMINS YOU NEED WITHOUT– no, yeah, a conversation is probably better than a fight.

In our most recent, I noticed that there was a pattern – they happen whenever the following 2 conditions line up;
1) I have something coming up that I’m looking forward to (like friends coming in from out of town, new job, basement remodel…)
2) she doesn’t

Now that i look back, this holds true every time. So it seems like jealousy triggers some instinct in her that says ‘TEAR THIS MAN DOWN, HE’S GOT IT TOO GOOD!’

Divorce would be a harsh reaction and I truly don’t want that. But at the same time, I’m an easy-going guy who would like to enjoy life to the fullest and she can make that difficult. How do I break the cycle of crazy that happens anytime I’ve got something good going?
-Married to occasional tyrant

There’s no fix to this in the mailbag, dear MTOT. (mmmmm… tots. Now I want pocket tots.)

Where was I? Oh, right: your beloved harpy. Y’all need some professional counseling/therapy. I don’t know if she needs to see a psychiatrist, or if couples counseling is the way to go, or what. That’s up for you cats to figure out.

As with any mailbag question that leaves me pointing to people with things like “expertise” and “licenses,” I must remind everyone that I am in no way a professional therapist of any sort. (Some people use the term “internet quack,” but I prefer “just a dude who’s seen some shit.”)

Good luck with your wife and the basement remodel.


O Cap’n My Cap’n,
Fantasy Football: Suffering through the doldrums of the off-season like everyone else. Doing the annual optimism mitigation for my beloved Giants who, at this point, are a near surefire bet to finish between 8-8 and 11-5, but seemingly a coin flip to either get thoroughly embarrassed in the Wildcard game or go on an adrenaline fueled romp to the Super Bowl, provided they make the playoffs to begin with. In lieu, I offer this sexy lady gif as sacrifice:

Sara Jean Underwood. Not unattractive.

Also, as a Giants fan, you are entitled to precisely ZERO sympathy.

Sex: On to the nitty gritty. My girlfriend and I are 22, and recent college graduates. We are lucky enough to have jobs within an hour of each other, with me moving back home and her moving across the state from where she was raised. For all intents and purposes she’s a fantastic girl, and I love her dearly. Smart, sexy, great in bed, funny (a valuable commodity), and incredibly kind. She’s everything I could want in a girlfriend, and hopefully future wife.

Naturally, being a 22 year old guy I cannot simply accept and unconditionally appreciate her and all her wonderful qualities without issue. Instead I can’t shake the anxiety about “missing out” on some things in my 20s if I am indeed already with the woman I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. In college I slept with a respectable amount of women as a single man, and still the feeling persists.

My predicament is this. I cannot stomach to break up with her so I can return to pursuing one night stands with women who very likely won’t be as attractive as her, and certainly not as easy to get along with or likable (all in hopes of nailing that perfect 10 Beyonce lookalike) and risk losing someone who I would consider myself blessed to call wife someday. Any advice would be much appreciated, and is sorely needed.
Non-Appreciative Ned

You’re feeling what any (every?) man feels when he realizes he wants to marry a woman. It’s a combination of two feelings, really: deep, binding love… and the sad realization that you’ll never get naked with another woman ever again. (There is likely a German word for it.)

As to whether you’re “missing out” on anything by not being a single man in his 20s, it’s hard to say. The stereotypical single young male celebrates binge drinking, late nights, a coterie of women and/or failed relationships, and road trips featuring different combinations those things. Maybe some drug use and gambling, if you’re spicy. That collection of of bad decisions is what you’re missing out on. You’re also missing out on the potential consequences: heartbreak, arrests, feeling like shit because you’ve been a complete douchebag to a perfectly nice girl who deserved better — hey, maybe even an STD or two!

I had fun being single in my 20s. I also had some pretty shitty times, too. I gained life experience that gave me perspective (hi, combat!), and I stumbled out of burning car wrecks of relationships that helped me recognize that my wife is the perfect life partner for me. I couldn’t have identified her as such when I was 22, because I was a fuckhead.

You, sir, already have that person figured out. Seems to me like you’ve saved yourself a lot of bad decisions. Depending on how your gal rolls, you can still do all that fun 20s shit — road trips, partying, gambling — with your future wife. No, you won’t get the unique pleasure of taking a new woman’s clothes off for the first time, but that’s the price you pay for intimacy and trust. That’s a better deal in the long run, and the long run is life.

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