Hello, My children. Remember the 1990s when I totally fucked the Buffalo Bills at every turn? Hehe. That was hilarious.
Many people have prayed into My Hotline and expressed their discontent with the run of the Baltimore Ravens. How could You, they profess, rally behind Stabby McStabsalot and his band of rapists, thieves,
and rapists? To be honest, I have a total chubby for Joseph Flacco. He just needed some help against Tennessee. That blown safety call and that delay of game call? Yep, that was Me!
People think of the South as My country, but honestly? Fuck the South. If I can burn Tennessee AND North Carolina in one weekend, you know I’m gonna smoke that pipe. Those bastards use My House as their own fucking country club so they can plan their dinky little meat-and-three dinner parties? It’s not fucking high school, people. GO TO CHURCH AND BE BORED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, FAGGOTS. At least that way I know you’re just there for Me.
But what about Kurt Warner? I really was on the fence about letting his team advance. Thing is, the playoffs really aren’t fun for Me unless somebody totally shits the bed. And fucking with those cajuns is more fun than, oh, just about anything that isn’t combustable. Remember that it’s totally okay to hate people that don’t live in the same geographic area as you. I said “Love thy neighbor,” not “love everyone.” Because, damn, how miserable and frustrating would THAT be?
Oh, and Kurt? THANKS AGAIN FOR THE PICTURE YOU DREW OF ME, FUCKFACE! YOU MAKE SIX MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR! YOU COULDN’T SHELL OUT FOR SOME FUCKING WATERCOLORS? Guess what, asshole, I drew a picture of you! Wanna see it?
Enjoy sticking that dildo up your ass, shithead. Your wife will appreciate the night off.
Donovan McNabb? Wasn’t me. Hey, I had nothing to do with that shit, I swear. You don’t see any black quarterbacks in the New Testament, do you? People think his getting benched brought his groove back, like it was some near-death experience. Truth was, I tried to kill Donovan that same week, and I totally screwed it up. So his figurative near-death experience was replaced by a literal near-death experience, and you know how those go. And just for future reference, never drop a piano without careful planning beforehand.
I would have felt like a total dingus if I hadn’t let one home team win. And before you lump Me in with those douchebags in Steeler Nation, hear Me out. Would you REALLY want to see the Chargers, those shit-eating 8-8 Chargers, get into the Super Bowl? Do you really want a BCS in the NFL? Should I reward that bitch Tomlinson for sitting out? Again? Plus Roethisberger’s a big dumb animal. He’s not getting to the Super Bowl if he has anything to say about it.
Anyway, that’s what happened last week. So don’t bother me on Sunday after 3, because I’ll be watching the CBS pregame show. That Shannon Sharpe is amazing. Did you know his great-grandmother was a duck-billed platypus? Oh, and don’t forget, I AM THE LORD AND THE WAY, NOT SOME COCKSUCKING MICROMANAGER! I HAVE BIGGER FISH TO FRY! NOW SOMEBODY KILL ME A SHEEP! WOOOO! GO RAVENS!