God: “I Would Let My Only Begotten Son Play Football”

05.08.12 5 years ago 20 Comments

Reacting to recent comments made by retired NFL quarterback Kurt Warner, the creator of the universe on Tuesday said that, were He interested, He would allow His only begotten son to play football.

Warner, reflecting on recent events such as the Saints bounty scandal and the suicide of Junior Seau, said last week that he would prefer that his sons not pursue a career playing football. God responded in a communique delivered to actor Bronson Pinchot that He does not share Warner’s stance.

“You know, Kurt and I have spoken on numerous occasions and discussed a great many subjects together. I respect the man’s opinion, insofar that he’s fallible and I am not, but we just don’t see eye-to-omnipresent-eye on this one.”

God said that His son has never brought up the idea of playing football because, according to God, “He’s kind of a pussy”. But if Jesus did ask to play, He would be allowed.

“Jesus doesn’t really have the bulk for it, but if He really wanted, He could hit the gym and put on some muscle. Would do Him some good, if you ask me. Always hanging out in my kingdom, being all pensive about mankind. He could use some fresh air. Though he might have to address his footwork as well. All those years in sandals did a number on his stride. If he wanted to play, I’d let him, sure. I mean, I let the kid die. Why not football?”

God added that He is perplexed by the sudden worry by many former players and fans about the essential rightness of letting children play football.

“There are so many things I have created that can kill and destroy you puny mortals that it seems arbitrary to single out football as something to be especially concerned about. Even things that seem benign and wonderful can kill you. Like the sun! And sugar! Did you mortals finally figure out that sugar causes cancer? Yup, it sure does. There are causes you haven’t even discovered yet. I can be such a bastard sometimes.”

God closed with a reiteration that He is not to blame for Tim Tebow, before leaving Pinchot to finish with his bender.

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