Good Eatings With Jason Garrett

05.16.12 5 years ago 16 Comments

Int. Cowboys Executive Offices

Jason: Welcome, chums, to another episode of Good Eatings. Joining me as always, is my dear brother Judd. Brother!

Judd: Thank you, brother! I’m very excited for today’s episode, as we’ll be recollecting one our finest eatings to date.

Jason: Indeed we are, brother! But before we get to that, there’s the matter of our regular disclaimer. This is Good Eatings, where we regale you with tales of our own finest eatings. There will be no cooking on this show. The physical act of preparing food is a task best left to peasants like Alton Brown.

Judd: Or ethnics like Tony Romo.

Jason: Brother, you mustn’t. He could be watching.

Judd: Not unless our humble program has been picked up by the Mexican Golf Channel.

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Tonight we’re recounting a whole roasted lamb we enjoyed while visiting the English countryside. Joining us tonight will be Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, author of this particularly illuminating passage in The River Cottage Meat Book.

While an indoor-reared “spring lamb” sold at Easter will barely stand a week’s hanging, a late-summer or autumn lamb, nicely but not excessively fatted, can be hung for a good ten days. The resulting meat will have just the right balance of “youth and experience” for fine eating.

Judd: Fine eating indeed! And as a professional football scout I must agree. I am always on the hunt for the combination of youth and experience minus an excess of fat that can be found in players who were birthed late in the summer months.

Jason: Hmmm…yes. We can never underestimate the importance of good breeding practices when evaluating our meat or our players. As an extra special treat this week, Hugh has brought with him a lamb so that our viewers may gaze upon its succulence as we regale you with explicit details of our own fine eating.

(door flies open)

Wolfman Rob: OW-OOOOOOOOOOOO!!! How’d you two skinny fruits ever get a show about eatin’? I know it’s not about eatin’ pussy! OW-OOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jason: Scoundrel! What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out making excuses for your pathetic defense?

Wolfman Rob: Chill out, compadre. Like I said, my defense was too complicated for those players. We’re gonna be the most feared unit in the league once I simplify it a bit.

Jason: Oh, please. Your playbook was nothing more than a photocopy of Demi Moore’s unkempt pubis with the word “BLITZ” written on it in lipstick.

Wolfman Rob: That was a metaphor.

Judd: Oh, dear. I’m beginning to wonder what’s become of our guest and his delicious roasted treat.

Wolfman Rob Oh don’t worry, Professor Tweed will be fine. See I was back in that green room helping myself to some snacks.

Jason: How dare you? The items on that cheese plate were hand picked for Mr. Fearnley-Whittingstall.

Wolfman Rob That runny shit was cheese? Oh well, it went down okay when I put it in a sandwich with some teriyaki jerky. Anyway, I must have ripped a pretty heinous fart, because he passed out cold.

Judd: [faints]

Wolfman Rob: Oh, and I ate his dog. [belches loudly] OW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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