Hi, I’m Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach and world-renowned people person Greg Schiano. As you may have heard, I recently endorsed the fine folks at Raymond James Financial Planning. I’d like to expound a little on my support of this outstanding firm and describe some of the guidance I’ve provided to them as an outside consultant.
As you know, the world of finance isn’t all fun and games. The economic crisis we find ourselves in can be stressful for any investor. As an expert in turning boys into men, Raymond James Financial Planning turned to me to train its new crop of financial advisers to handle the rigors of this cold, cruel reality. Between locking them in closets and forcing them to make endless wind sprints at all hours of the day for offering poor financial advice, I helped them realize that any pussy could do their job. I once literally used a new employee’s resume to wipe my ass, right in front of him.
Leadership is an important principle for me. I helped Raymond James Financial Planning advisers understand that they are mere cogs in a vast, corrupt machine beyond anyone’s control, and that every one of them is replaceable at a moment’s notice. I like to do that by randomly drawing a name out of a hat and visiting that adviser’s wife and kids at home while he’s at work to let them know he’s fired, allowing him to find out in the most humiliating way possible. This puts all the other advisers in perpetual fear of offering you, the valued customer, less than immaculate financial guidance.
At the core of everything that I do is trust. Without the trust of your team, all the coaching experience in the world is worthless. As a coach, I often install cameras in the locker room to ensure that players are adequately trusting me. Similarly, at Raymond James Financial Planning, all of the correspondence amongst our advisers is monitored to find out if they are, to coin a phrase, Schiano Men. And those that aren’t? Well, let’s just say they’re filling out grease-stained applications at a St. Petersburg Denny’s right about now.
So there you have it. At Raymond James Financial Planning, we put profits before people every day. So the next time you’re looking to invest, entrust your future to them. Or don’t. I don’t give a f*ck.